Perpeptuated Falsehoods II, the Revenge of the Statist

Alright, I said I would post the other falsehoods. Have another one:



2) The Miller-Urey Experiment is also bunk.



I promise you, you will hear about the Miller-Urey Experiment in your Biology Class. Whoopee! I can synthesize amino acids from gases with nothing but sparks. Even before I read "Godless," I saw the fundamental error in the fact that just because you could make amino acids, doesn't mean you can create life. Coulter pointed that out and then pointed out something I didn't know: The Miller-Urey Experiment assumed the existence of methane, ammonia, hydrogen, and water. What evolutionary biologists actually say is in primordial air is ozone, hydrogen sulfate, and carbon dioxide along with a couple others that I can't remember. The thing is they listed all the primordial air gases in class and expected you to memorize them BUT they also expected you to know the importance of the Miller-Urey experiment that was based on premises that they had already denounced! The two-facedness is awe-inspiring.

Next time: Perpetuated Falsehood III, Haeckel Strikes Back.

Perpetuated Falsehoods

I've been reading a lot of books in the past two weeks. In fact, I've been reading more here than I do at home. I've been reading this fantastic book by Ann Coulter called "Godless" about the American education system. Guess what? Three of the facts Coulter denounced as lies were taught in my college Biology course. I was taught these as facts, and it turns out they were lies. Good grief. Here they are:

1) The Peppered Moth Experiment was bunk. This was an experiment done in London which stated that when the trees were blackened with pollution, there were more black moths in the air. When London cleaned its air, there were more white moths. This was because white moths showed up clearly against black trees so birds could spot them easier. See? Moths with a certain color are favored over moths with a less favorable color. (As you see, this proves hands down that you can eventually evolve a gecko into a German Shepherd.) As it turns out, peppered moths do not rest on trees and are not hunted by birds. They fly at night when birds are asleep and they rest on the underside of branches. Turns out the famous pictures that are touted by every biology textbook (including the one I sold to Megan) that show how distinctly a white moth stands out against black bark were staged by gluing dead moths to a tree. Peppered moths would never rest on bark of their own volition. I promise you, unless you have a really awesome nonliberal Biology teacher, you will hear the story of the peppered moths.

For more information on this subject, check out the article "The Moth That Failed," by Paul Raeburn published in the NEW YORK TIMES!!! on August 25, 2002. See also Nicholas Wade's "Staple of Evolutionary Teaching May Not Be Textbook Case" also in the New York Times, but on June 18, 2002.

Just a warning, when even the New York Times doesn't perpetuate liberal falsehood, there is something really wrong going on.

I mentioned three lies, I'll give you the other in a later blog post.

Birthday Month

When we were in Disneyworld it was my cousin's birthday on Sunday. We went to magic kingdom and had a really good time. For the rest of the vacation, Kathryn was "the birthday girl." Andrew said to me multiple times during this trip, "Stop wishing Kathryn a happy birthday. Her birthday was Sunday!" Just goes to show what he knows.

Yes, it is still her birthday. Tonight we are going out to dinner, a movie (Up, which you guys have already seen), and then ice cream. The celebration will not end! It's great! Grandma thinks it is just because Aunt Jennifer wanted to take her kids to see Up. I don't blame her.

Meredith

Do you want to know what the cutest thing in the world is? A little girl riding her bicycle and singing her favorite song. Meredith was singing some song about rock n' roll and learning and a "rat a tat tat." Most of the words were indiscernable because when she wasn't 100% sure on the lyrics she would get quieter. She is so cute.

I was reading the "DO NOT OPEN THIS BOTTLE! IT CONTAINS ACID THAT EATS THROUGH FLESH" label on the paint remover Grandad and I were using on Aunt Jennifer's driveway when Meredith asked me what I was doing. When I told her that I was reading the bottle she just laughed and said "Silly Duncan! You have to say the words!" Aunt Jennifer later explained that what she meant was that to read, you have to be saying the words out loud as you read them (like all little kids all do as they begin learning to read.) Meredith is so cute.

Shakespeare, NC style

Alright, so I suddenly and violently remembered that I had 3/4 of my lines due tomorrow. About five hours ago I only had 77 out of 150. Now, I have 130, which counts. Phew. I was scared I might not be ready for a minute there.

Now the only problem is putting some life into these lines. I've had it up to here with my Heather's (my "Director's") snide comments about how lifeless and dull my performance is. When I'm practicing she'll occasionally say something like "Pfft. I wonder how miserable my life would be if I was being outdone by a fourteen-year-old. (Reference to Matthew M_______.)" She's so annoying. I'm glad she is not here in NC and I can practice in relative peace. Grandma only comes in every few minutes and asks me why I'm moving my mouth obscurely.

David's computer

David has a new laptop coming to him. Just for the record, it works great! It hooked up to the internet immediately and I can now do anything I did before. Except Facebook. I'm boycotting Facebook for a while because I don't want any more computers to go viral, especially computers that don't belong to me. There's actually a file I wanted to e-mail home that is currently on my computer but I'm too scared to hook a USB to the viral Avacado lest the worm spread itself via USB to all healthy computers in the house.

Viral infection

Someone recently hacked my facebook account or something. He's sending every single one of my friends viral messages. Facebook keeps on automatically closing when I try to load it to set things right. The message he sends includes a link to a pornographic site, which is frankly ANNOYING. I'm getting this flood of e-mails from concerned Christian friends who think I'm linking them to a porn site. No, I say. I've been hacked. Blah blah blah. A couple of the people who know me better (Including Heather but not including Douglas) have figured out that I've been hacked. Heather advised that I suspend my account but I have no idea how to do that.

Also, I am REALLY hoping that I have no virus on my computer. If the virus does nothing but send annoying messages to my friends, then fine. They might hate me, but they'll probably figure out what's going on pretty quickly because that particular link also includes a trojan horse for their computers. They got bugged. (Also this hacker is a terrible speller. Anyone who knows me won't even OPEN that message.) I just hope this guy isn't the type of comic who thinks its funny to completely destroy computers. THAT WOULD SUCK LIKE NOTHING ELSE.

Trees

My Grandad and Grandma have a back and forth argument about whether their backyard should have trees in it. Grandad doesn't want trees in his backyard. He says they shed too many leaves and obstruct the view. Grandma wants trees. They provide shade and they obstruct the view. (She doesn't like to see the neighbor's houses. She says they look "trashy.") I tend to side with Grandma because she's the one who cooks and that food tastes really good. What is your input on this dilemma?

Hey, It's Ju- OH NO!!!

After publishing my last post I realized that it was now June. Drat. I totally forgot to say Rabbit Rabbit this morning. Boy, do I feel stupid. I didn't even have any siblings rushing my bed first thing in the morning and trying to get me to answer questions so that they can laugh at my expense. With a memory like mine, who needs enemies?

Webex

Today Grandad (and I, although I wasn't really much help) were offered a month's free trial on Cisco's Webex Teleconference Site Thing Probably. It sells Teleconferences, okay? We attended a demo conference by telephone. The only speed bump we hit was when Grandad accidently hung up immediately after dialing in.

Duncan: Uh, Grandad? Did you know that you just hung up?

Grandad: Hm?

Somehow, I think that Webex won't be healthy for Grandad. Imagine him hosting a teleconference and hanging up before it even starts. All the other precinct chairman would be waiting for their "host" to say something only to eventually realize that he isn't there anymore. It could get hairy.

Hyperinflation, otherwise normal

According to some experts, inflation might get as bad as it is in Zimbabwe. (I'm just guessing that it is really bad there. I don't know personally.) Just thought you might want to have some good news to start the day, you know? What really bothers me is that people keep saying that they are racking up debt for their children. That's just another means of procrastination. Why don't you say, we're racking up debt for ourselves? I predict that the next generation will still be saying the same thing. And the next. And people will keep putting off debt until finally China forces us to file bankruptcy or something.

Fruit

You know what I really enjoy eating? Fruit. It is so tasty. Fruit is like a mix between candy that doesn't make you sick and vegetables that taste good. I just can't get enough of it. Yesterday, Grandma bought a watermelon. It was so good. I ate it all that evening. Mmmm mmmm, watermelon. You know what else tasted good? Grapes. Grandma bought a lot of those too. Mmmmmm. So good. I haven't even touched the Moose Tracks ice cream yet. That is how good fruit tastes.

Oh the things liberals think

I've just gotten here and I've already learned dozens of depressing things that have happened in the last few days. Here's a few.

1. Acorn is heading the census. I already knew this from my depressing newspaper but I didn't know that you weren't allowed to help in the census if you were law enforcement, intimidation group (makes sense, but when liberals say intimidation group they mean AAA womens' services not Black Panther (see point 2.)), or anti-illegal immigration groups. You see, someone who is against illegal imigration would probably not count the illegal immigrants as registered voters.

2. There is a group called the Black Panther Party that used scare tactics to keep white people from the polls during the last presidential cycle. The charges were just dropped recently which turned the thing into a big affair. As one of Grandad's talk radio people put it, it's not smart politics to prosecute the people who got you elected.

3. Just the other day the first male was elected as prom queen. A gay guy in Los Angelos. Darn.

4. It was actually a good thing that the North won the Civil War. Double darn.

5. I now have over $500,000 dollars in debt to pay for the rest of my life and the number is growing.

6. Did you know that Andrew Lambert was gay? I didn't. I didn't even care who he was. I just knew he was a good singer.

7. A new Supreme Court Justice is on her way and just the other day she made a racial slur against whites. Terrific.

8. Kim Jong-Il launched another nuclear missile the other day. That makes six, according to John Bolton, the only person who is counting. What else is new?

9. The nice British lady singer had a breakdown. The nice British prince headed Memorial day at the Twin Towers. The nice British economy is collapsing. Yay Britain!

All of this is getting depressing. According to my prediction there will be a war about something. I don't know what yet. It could be national debt, abortion, whatever. I only know that this nation is tearing itself apart and it will soon be torn apart. There's only one thing that can truly symbolize the entirety of my depression: A sad emoticon. :(

Have a couple more for the road. :( :( :( :( :(

Camera Camera

There's one thing I miss about my siblings: Easily available guinea pigs. Grandad said that I'm going to record a video about getting excited about the Republican party. It doesn't sound very exciting and exciting has never been Grandad's strong suit (Grandad's Super Program is a white background with black text. I know what you're thinking, it needs pin people, right?) so the script will probably bore everyone who listens to it instead of motivating them. Oh no!

But back to the guinea pig business. Grandad has told me to experiment with and get comfortable with this camera. The only person I have to videotape is... well, Grandad. Not only that but when I say "Just say something, anything" he says something like "Today is June 3rd, and I'm here in Triangle Commons at the Tea Party. We're giving out swell prizes to lucky people who come so stop on by. Is it recording?" (Exact quote.) There are just a few problems, it's May 29th, we're in his house, and we won't be showing this clip to anyone so it is like advertising gone to waste. It's like he can't open his mouth without advertising for the Republican Party. I love it.

Childhood Memories

Yesterday I was in the car with my cousins for nine and a half hours. It got tiring pretty quickly. Half way through the trip, Aunt Jennifer said something to Bryce and instantly I remembered the many times my mom had said the same thing. Here's the story:

Bryce was acting up. Every now and then he would lean over to my chair and start moving his hand up my arm, through my sleeve, and tickling me. Whereupon I would bring both hands in and start tickling him full throttle. Then high-pitch shriek. After about thirty minutes of this Uncle Paul and Aunt Jennifer started having severe headaches.
"Be quiet Bryce," Aunt Jennifer said.
"I can't Mom," Bryce said. What he meant was that he couldn't be quiet if I tickled him.
"Then, don't lean over into Duncan's chair," Uncle Paul said. He actually said this multiple times during the car trip.
"I can't Dad," Bryce said.
Oh, here it comes.
"Why don't you ask God to help you?" Aunt Jennifer asked.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard that. I can't imagine why. It doesn't sound like something that every mother says. I don't think even every evangelical Christian would say this. This is the kind of thing that you grow up hearing and thinking "Ug, I will never say that to my children when I grow up." It's weird.

Ultimate Cosmic Power

Hey Grandad's ranking system really is great! Today, I arrived in North Carolina at about 4:30. I was promptly taken to a Republicans' training meeting where Grandad showed an one-hour presentation he had made toting every possible aspect of his new ranking system. (Sound familiar? I really like Grandad.) It was really awesome. Every now and then one of the ladies in the crowd would say something like "Oooooooh. You must be a genius." or "Gasp! I never knew there was something so amazing in your ranking system!" Whereupon Grandad would look smug and continue. I wish I could have such support during my presentations. I just get cruel snickers from Evelyn and Douglas. Growl.

But hey, this ranking system really is amazing. Every single person in every single precinct is counted. It's one thing when you are told that there are 3461 Republicans in Precinct 12. It's another when you hear that there are 8 Libertarians. I mean, there are so few libertarians that I wouldn't even care enough to put them in. Grandad put them in and each of them have their names, addresses, etc. recorded. And speaking of how well their information is recorded, I just have to say that it is amazing. I can find out anything about anyone including their registered party, what years they have voted, how they voted, cell phone numbers, household size, and deepest darkest secrets. (P.S. Last one was the joke FYI.) It makes me power drunk. Bwa ha ha ha ha.

Disney should adopt my Ranking System

I've been reading a Disney guide book on this trip. In this book they list every ride and assign it a number of stars. Unfortunately, these stars don't really mean anything to me because they aren't qualified so I'm going to make my own ranking system and list it here. Just for fun.

1-star (*): Little kid rides. Think Dumbo and all its unfortunate progeny. When little kids start crying, mothers put their children on these rides to put them to sleep.
Who will enjoy: Meredith, Emily.
2-star (**): Scares Meredith but excites Bryce, and therefore by extension Luke. Think little kid roller coasters and race tracks. When little kids say to their parents: "Put me on something really scary" and the parents don't have enough cruel sense of humor/irresponsibility to put them on something like TOWER OF TERROR!!! then they put their kids on this ride. For uppity young children.
Who will enjoy: Emily, Bryce, Luke, Grace (Connor would probably be bored.)
3-star (***): The rides that no one goes on. When you ask Aunt Jennifer if she went on them, she rolls her eyes.
Who will enjoy: Alexie
4-star (****): Rides that everyone will enjoy. The little squirts may or may not go on these rides, depending on how scary they are. Everything from PhilharMagic (Fun for the whole family) to Thunder Mountain Railroad (Fun for any of the family who don't mind broken ribs) that is fun and good falls into this category.
Who will enjoy: Everyone or most everyone, depending on how scary it is.
5-star (*****): The big attraction. These things attract lightning bolts like nothing else because they are the tallest things in the park and you can see them from anywhere in Florida. They garner the longest lines in the park that are slowed down by little kids crying their eyeballs out at the thought of riding and girlfriends who are only riding it because their boyfriends are. That's how scary and awe-inspiring these rides are.
Who will enjoy: Duncan, Kathryn


Well, that's it. I'm going to go alter all my past blog posts on disneyland to include my ranking system. I'll also put in the label "vacation" just in case any of you want to find these posts quickly. Just click on the label below.

Dad's New Friend Carl

Yesterday, Dad had the most unusual encounter with one of the workers at Disney. We were riding Expedition Everest (*****) over and over. The person contolling traffic was named "Carl." Carl looked to be over 50 years old. Carl was talking to a lady who was apparantly asking Carl for directions. Dad, being his usual doofy self, stepped in between them and flashed his tickets at Carl. Carl, taken aback, sputtered "You are so rude!" Dad glared at him and asked "Let me see your name." So Carl turned his back on Dad to protect his "Hi! I'm Carl and I LOVE YOU!" button from Dad's evil penetrating gaze. Dad grabbed Carl's shoulder to turn him around and then Carl screamed "DON'T TOUCH ME OR I'LL CALL SECURITY!!!"

Kathryn and I quickly dragged Dad into the line and rode Everest. Dad, for some reason, has not dropped this and has done annoying official things like "registering complaints" at guest services. In my opinion, he should just turn the other cheek and let this thing slide. I think this won't become a big deal and Carl will probably not be fired since he looks like he's been there since 1963 when Disneyworld first opened. Oh well.

Maniacal Crew

All week I've been part of the "Adventurous Crew," including me, Dad, David, and our cousin Kathryn. Kathryn is a true-blue danger and death nut. When we were preparing to come I was rather depressed because I was the only McPherson who expressed any interest in riding any ride moving faster than "It's a Small World." Then along came Kathryn.

Yesterday we went to DisneyQuest which is like an enormous arcade. The best ride, which just so happens to be the ride we rode a million times because it was awesome, was CyberSpace Mountain. (*****) What happened was that you designed a roller coaster and then rode in a flight simulator that rode you through it. It was awesome. Also I did it incrementally. You see, the first time I rode I was with Andrew. On the "Scream-o-meter" our coaster got three out of five screams. Booooring. When we gave the card with our coaster on it to the disney intern, she asked "You go upside-down three times. Is that all right?"
"N-", Andrew started.
"Yes!" I said. So we rode it and if Andrew wasn't a complete lame-o, he would have been able to stop clutching onto the handlebar long enough to press the emergency stop button. (According to him, he couldn't reach it.)

The second time (and third and fourth and fifth) I rode with Kathryn. Our first coaster got four screams out of five and if we weren't both digitally impaired and in a hurry to get on our coaster and die, we would have figured out how to change some of our boring coaster parts to EXTREME DANGER coaster parts. We just rode it and had fun. It went upside down five times. Our third time we put in nothing but EXTREME DANGER, NECK PAIN, AND STOMACH SWIRLING coaster parts. "YAY!" was our general reaction. We went upside down seven times. Our next time we went upside nine times. That was our max, unfortunately.

Today was Animal Kingdom and we rode the only roller coaster in the park, Mt. Everest (*****), at least a bazillion times. It was AWESOME!! I also convinced her to ride the Dinosaur (*****) ride, which turned me into a lifeless puddle of primordial goo the last time I rode it. It's great to have someone to be maniacal with you.

Singles' Lines

This is funny, so I might as well put it down although if any of my siblings read it they'll be bored because they were all there laughing at my expense as it happened. Oh well. Dad and I both have an affinity for "singles' lines" at Disneyworld. This is where people who don't have friends they want to go with can be matched up with other hapless suckers of the same nature to cut down on the number of "lone riders" which seriously slows the system. Anyways, it means you are constantly riding with people you don't know.

Alexie, naturally, thought the notion of singles' lines was ridiculous. She instantly thought "singles' bars."

"So what?" She asked, "Is a singles' line where you go to pick up single chicks?"

"What? Well sort of," I responded.

"So do you use pick-up lines? Like hey baby, what's your sign?"

"No."

"Since this is Disneyworld he should instead say 'Whose your favorite Disney character?'" Dad piped up.

So Alexie instantly thought up the perfect pick-up line which goes as follows "Whose your favorite princess? Because I think I just found mine."

Alexie added that if I used this on some girl I don't know, she would look at me in a digusted manner and might even slap me, so I don't think I'll use it. Ever.

Descended from a Fish

Today we went to Blizzard Beach, Disneyworld's water park. It was pretty awesome although I spent the entire day soaked to the bone. One weird thing about Blizzard Beach is that although after riding any one attraction you are soaked from head to toe, they still have paper towels and automatic hand blowers in the bathrooms. Oh joy, you think, now my hands are dry. Big whoop.

Anyways I ran all around that park doing one thing after another. I was in Dad's group and one thing to know about Dad is that he never does the same thing twice in a row. You think to yourself, "Hey, since I just got off this ride I could save myself the trouble of walking to another place by riding the same thing again." Dad however prefers to hop from one ride to another and then back again, which is a pain since Blizzard Beach is spread out like butter over too much bread. Anyways it was great.

Of course by the time we went home I was so sick of good old H2O that I never wanted to see it again. All of a sudden my younger cousin asked "Hey Duncan! You want to go into the pool with me?" (Our villa has a pool FYI) I think to myself, "Bryce, you have been soaking in the Lazy River for seven hours now. You must be as sick of water as I am." Nope. Bryce is the missing link between fish and humans. So Bryce and I had a rollicking good time in the pool. Getting even wetter and more isotonic.

Tentative Connection

Well, we arrived in Florida. We have Wi-Fi in the house we rented here so we tried it out. The only problem is that they (the Wi-Fi alien waves) sometimes leave our computers and we have to rope them back. Maybe I'll be online sometimes. Maybe I won't. It's all so tentative.

8-dollar jeans

I'm not really good with money so I never realized before today what a good bargain $8 jeans are. Here's the story:

Alright, I'm going to my grandparents and suddenly my mother notices/cares that all my jeans have holes over the right knee. (I have no idea why it is always the right knee. It just always is.) So she tells Dad to go buy me some jeans. Dad, naturally, brings me along.

A quick side note: Mom never brings me along. She always thinks to herself "What size would Duncan be?" and then gets one size bigger. Sometimes they fit perfectly, sometimes they don't. If they don't, she just shrugs and tells me I'll grow into them. Anyways, it has worked for sixteen years and I kind of liked that system.

Back to the present. Dad is drawn to an 8-dollar jeans sale sign like a fly to a lantern. He is so happy. He is in a state of euphoria. He picks up about five pairs of jeans and tells me to go figure out which one fits the best. I try them all on which takes a long long time because new jeans always have buttons that don't yet fit the clasp. Anyways, I finally figure out that I'm a 31x32 whatever that means. We waltz over to the cash register and ding! Up pops "14.92" on the screen.

"Um, um, um, excuse me," says my dad, "This isn't the right cost. They were on sale for eight dollars." The cashier smiles politely and then calls someone on her Wal-mart phone.

"They said that was the right price," said the cashier.

"Come with me," says me dad. The cashier is obviously not being paid enough for this. "Wait here, Duncan." Off they go. A short while later the cashier comes back noticably lacking my dad. I go through all the possible options quickly ruling out natural disaster, sudden plague, earth swallowing up my dad, etc., leaving "murdered by cashier" as a reasonable choice, given the circumstances.

"He wants you to go back there," said the cashier. Processing... "Um, hello? He wants you to go back there."

"Ah," I say blankly and walk robotically back to the young mens' clothing aisle. When I spot Dad and notice how extremely deep in thought he is (and noticably alive) and that his attention is fixed on the price tag I realize in a flash what happened.

"Oh no!" I cry. Dad, realizing I'm there, begins explaining to me that the jeans I've been trying on for the past half hour are NOT included in the sale. You see, if you had simply removed a metal rail saying and I quote "JEANS JEANS JEANS," you would have seen the price tag very clearly stating "14.95." So after a brief argument I go back to the dressing rooms to try on two more pairs of pants, one 30x32 and one 32x32. You see, odd numbers are never included in sales. It's one of Walmart's rules.

In the end we decided to go with the one that was too big, saying with a shrug that I'll grow into them. (If we had let Mom do the shopping we'd have reached the same conclusion in less time.) All for the sake of six dollars.

A Long Hill to Climb

Recently I've started setting goals for myself. They're things like "Work out for 30 minutes every day" and "Spend 30 minutes going over notes every day." or habits you want to break like "Don't hit your siblings." I even have this neat-o site called "Joesgoals.com" that I found in WORLD magazine. (Federal Law requires that you write WORLD magazine's name in all caps.) It gives you little smiley faces when you complete your goal and little sad faces when you don't. Recently I've stopped going to the site because 1: I never fulfill any of the positive goals so I have no checks to put down, 2: I always fulfill the negative goals and it depresses me putting a check down that shows me how bad I'm doing and 3: It gets depressing looking at all the little red sad faces looking at you.

The reason for all this is that I procrastinate like crazy. I say stuff to myself like "I'll start working out methodically tomorrow" or "I'll stop beating up my siblings like crazy tomorrow." "Just one day more" ought to be my motto.

Recently I put down a negative goal saying "Don't Procrastinate." That one hasn't made much progress. It's kind of circular. I don't stop procrastinating because I procrastinate on stopping procrastinating. It's a vicious cycle.

Oh happiness!

Just the other day I got help via phone from Uncle Billy to recover the hard drive of the computer that has strayed from the path of God. It was really complicated and stuff, but it all worked out in the end. I have now recovered a lot of things that I probably didn't need. The most important thing I've recovered, however, is the data for SUPER PROGRAM!!!

This summer he will undergo and alteration... He will become more powerful, less flippant, able to calculate scores within seconds, efficient enough not to exit every ten seconds for lack of memory, with the capacity to sort people into pods based on who they have already fenced and who they need to fence, putting everyone's scores into separate areas so that you can't easily compare them, and it will probably solve World Hunger too. Of course, Don Heath Bar will probably not allow Super Program (Or his new altered improved Uber-ified name) to see the light of day if she has anything to do with it, but hey, what's a super hero without a super villain?

Early Education

Yesterday Heather was cleaning out the refridgerator while Andrew and I, being helpful chivalrous brothers, watched her. Suddenly Emily frisked by and shouted "Obama is stupid!" Andrew looked at me. He figured that whatever was happening was my fault because it had to do with politics. Heather just looked extremely shocked.

"Emily!" She yelped. "What did you say?"

"Obama is stupid," Emily said, "Because he gets rid of babies!" Then she frisked off as if nothing had happened. As you can see, we begin educating our children extremely early. Dad, when the story was later related to him, suggested that since Emily was herself a baby the issue was rather close to her heart. Personally, I think it has something to do with the fact that Emily has participated in the Walk for Life every year for her entire life. It's one thing to sit your kids down and explain justice to them, but it drives the message home much stronger to make your children go out and fight for it.

Skills you'll use all your life

Lots of people think being on the Homeschool Yearbook Staff is a boring and useless waste of time. That's where they are wrong! You'll use the skills you gain creating the yearbook for the rest of your life!

For example, let's say after creating the yearbook you gain the ability to recognize any homeschooler from the Southeast Tennessee area. So, you ask, what good is this ability unless you want to walk up to people who don't know you and ask them whether they're still into gymnastics while referring to them by their first name?

Well, first, use your imagination and imagine you are driving with your family to Lake Winnie. Your younger brother brings along his GPS to help you find Lake Winnie. The GPS tells you to drive for a quarter mile up someone's driveway and then turn left. Now what? If you hadn't been on the yearbook staff the year before, you might as well give up and go home since you'll be going in circles for the rest of your life. But! If you have participated on the yearbook staff, you'll be able to randomly shout "HEY LOOK! IT'S THE CRAIG FAMILY! THEY MUST BE GOING TO LAKE WINNIE TOO! FOLLOW THEM! DON'T LOSE THAT CAR!" even though you have never met, talked to, or even seen the Craig family outside of pictures they send in to the yearbook. And then TA~DA! You will magically find Lake Winnie. Incredible.

Hot-blooded

I have found that I enjoy direct elimination tournaments more than pod tournaments. Pod tournaments, I see now, are like removing the burning blood from competitive tournaments, which is sort of boring.

Only when you get past the nasty taste of having rigged all the pods against all the little children can you really begin to enjoy the full glory of the direct elimination tournament. When Forrest first saw he was in a pod against Dylan, first he thought it was a joke, then he thought we were insulting him, and then when he found out the truth he felt all bad for having beat Dylan. I agree, it is a cruel aspect of the tournament, but a necessary one. Otherwise, the direct elimination brackets would be all screwy and bizarre. You see, the second best person will be kicked out when he meets the best person, right? So therefore it should be arranged so that the second best person will meet the best person in the final round of the tournament.

Speaking of bizarre and screwy, it was pretty bad today. This was mostly caused because one of our directors flipped the outcome of one of the matches so that Annie beat Matthew instead of the other way around, which was how it actually happened. Therefore, Annie placed in the top 8. Her first match she lost, though, so therefore Dylan, ranked below 8th, advanced to the second round and made the matchings all funny. It also meant that someone better than Dylan who should have been in that spot was kicked out in the first round. SAD FACE!!! :(

Another weird coincedence was that all the aggressive fencers were on one half and all the defensive fencers were on the other half. One half had Elliot, Quinn, Aaron, Alex, Forrest, Etc. The other half had Dylan, Annie, Emerald, David, Etc. Jacob was in with the defensive half and at one point asked me why that was. I just stared at the brackets for a while and said something non-obligatory. Whatever.

The best part that was by the time you got to the final four matches, there were only the four best fencers, who today were Elliot, Jacob, Quinn, and David. The matches were hot-blooded and manly and full of fighting spirit and stuff. Twas epic.

David's Game

Okay, the first thing on the list of positive topics is David's new homemade game. It is lots of fun. There is no point, or goal, or anything, it is just a lot of throwing-giant-blocks-onto-your-younger-brothers type fun. David is constantly upgrading it, adding new blocks, making it more complex, ridding it of bugs, etc. so that every time I play it is is new and exciting. The main shazam of the game is that if you attach certain blocks to each other they will do something cool, so therefore you can create big complex machines and take over your 40 x 40 square world. For some reason, I always get stuck under large amounts of blocks, which isn't fun.

It is the most brotherly game I have ever played because one second you are helping someone by getting them out from underneath a large pile of blocks, and the next second you are throwing them all on top of him again. Maybe this is what it means to be a family.

Positive Attitude

I decided to challenge myself and see if I can write only positive things for an entire week. It might get kind of boring to read, but stick with me. You can comment on my posts and tell me whether I'm succeeding or not or you could just tell me at what point you got bored and stopped reading. It might be a little tricky because I have fencing camp all week and there's nothing that negatively affects your attitude quite as much as pain and exhaustion. Still, fencing camp was lots of fun and I regret that so many of my friends couldn't come to it. See, I even have a sad emoticon: :-(

I'm too hungry to think up a decent title for a blog post

Today we ran out of ramen, which means I don't eat lunch. Of course, I often eat sandwiches for lunch, but today I don't feel like it. Why? Because they would be too much trouble to prepare. When I'm hungry, I can't even make sandwiches to feed myself. This is a vicious cycle. Of course, I have somehow mastered the ability to make ramen even when I'm too hungry to type correctly. (I've had to backspace at least a dozen times in the last paragraph and I still keep missing the backspace and pressing \, I'd name it but my brain has lost the function to remember obscure symbol's names.) But, because there is no ramen today, I can not make anything. I would make this blog post longer but my vision is starting to blur. I think it is time to employ the "eat enough plain bread to build enough energy to make a sandwich" strategy.

Andrew Aguecheek

Today was the first rehearsal for our Shakespeare camp. It will actually be one of the only two I attend because I will be in North Carolina for two of them. Anyways, a discussion arose concerning the pronunciation of "aguecheek" Okay, so the second part was easy. Cheek is pronounced "Cheek" no matter who you are. "Ague" on the other hand posed a real problem because Matthew's sister told him that "Ague" was the old english equivalent of swine flu, which is true except she pronunced it "Egg-oo." I have always pronounced it just "Egg," correct me if I'm wrong. So here I am calling Matthew M. "Sir Andrew Eggoocheek" and thinking "This pronunciation hurts my brain." Since Matthew M. is the person playing Sir Andrew, I'm going to have to go along with it, but it is still painful to my mouth.

Logic

Yesterday, Luke got his hair cut. Coincedentally he also got sick. He was lying on the boys' room floor all day yesterday without the ability to get up. Every now and then one of the older boys would kick him and tell him to move whereupon he would tell them he couldn't. After one episode of this I realized that he was sick and just left him alone. (I know what you're thinking: A good brother would have carried him to his bed. His bed, however, is about eight feet off the ground.)

Because I am his logic teacher he naturally had not learned to avoid the logical fallacy "Post Hoc ergo Propter Hoc." Every time someone told him to move he would say: "This hair is making me dizzy." This statement is actually the only reason I wrote this blog post because it is such an obvious logical mistake. Luke has the tendency to say things which don't make any sense and make me laugh.

Hmmmm

The math lab people have still not contacted me about this new job. I have no idea what it entails and I'm hoping they'd be willing to let me disappear for the month of June. It's weird because the new semester began last week. I'd think they would have something for me to do, some meeting to attend, some student to teach, etc. There's zip. Nothing. Well, if they never contact me, it won't matter that I leave for a month. I can't lose a job I'm not doing, now can I?

Politics, the Art of the Possible

Yo, guys. I'm leaving Tennessee in two weeks. I'll be gone for one month. I will seriously miss you all. I will probably also not have computer access so my blog might temporarily pause for the month of June. I'll be missing two Shakespeare rehearsals which is fine because I'm not even ready for the one this Friday. I will probably lose every job I've gotten in the past two weeks, including teaching Luke, courier business for Dad, tutoring at the math lab, etc. Somehow a one month leave of absence just doesn't sound plausible. I also pray that the Chattanooga Fencing Club won't place their fencing tournament in the month of June because if they did hold a tournament, I would give both my arms to go, which would cause me to lose horribly because I'm not so good at fencing with no arms. This will also keep me from attending any Random Fun for the month of June, which is what I regret most. Nothing I intend to do will be done. Everything I've planned will blow away with the wind. I'm pretty sure I remember a Bible verse for this type of situation, but I don't remember its exact wording.

Anyways, you're probably wondering WHERE I'm going, and if you read the title you probably guessed I was just elected to be the student ambassador to New Zealand. You would be wrong. I am not leaving the country. I'm also not going to Washington D.C. which was probably your next guess (or your first guess, depending.) I'm going to North Carolina to help my grandfather market his Republican Organization System to neighboring precincts. Considering that I have had no luck marketing my ranking system, it doesn't make any sense that I would be fit for this job. I'm going anyway and maybe my pester-people-until-they-submit-to-my-will tactic will actually work by some stroke of luck.

Bad Passenger

I've come to the conclusion that I am a pretty good driver and everyone else is simply a bad passenger with a bunch of bad attitudes. While driving with Heather she said to me: "If I have to scream one more time, I will never take you driving again." I thought to myself "Well, you don't HAVE to scream, you only do that because you're retarded."

In addition I was driving somewhere I had never driven before and Heather gave me the wrong instructions. She told me to get into the right lane, which turned out to be a right turn only lane to get onto the interstate going the direction opposite to the one we wanted to go, so she yelled a bit and had me merge two lanes of traffic to get into the left lane which would turn onto the interstate going the right direction. Pssh.

Also, she is unduly obsessed with how I drive too close to the right side of the lane. "Duncan," she screams, "I am like SEVEN INCHES away from the car next to me!"
"Well, duh," I think, "The lanes are only a foot or two wider than our car."
The dumbest thing is that if I went any farther left I would crash into a concrete wall.
"You have a shoulder there and then a concrete wall," she sniffs airily. Personally, I would rather let the fast moving car to the right of me shave off the right side of the car and get rid of this annoying passenger.

Thomas Jefferson

I'm teaching Luke's school and boy is it ever a trip. His subjects with me include math, reading, and logic. For reading, we always read the same book every day, which is called Thomas Jefferson or something. The annoying thing is that it is written in "short words" that are easy to read interspersed with really hard words. The short words are like "Dick and Jane" words and are very easy to read but then you get words like "Monticello" and "House of Burgesses" thrown in there. Of course, you have to have these words because otherwise you're being historically dishonest, but Luke mars every word longer than five letters long. He still reads the House of Burgesses as the House of Burglars, which I bet King George would say they were.

The last book we read was about Abraham Lincoln. It REALLY tore Luke up when Lincoln got shot. I mean he cried about it for days. It was pretty incredible.

Tears of Blood

I'm been having this vision over and over: A computer is trudging slowly out of the darkness, tears of blood are flowing down its face.

Help me...

Help me...

To begin recovery press F11...

And then I wake up in a cold sweat. I think this vision I'm having means something!

No, before you ask, I haven't really been having this vision over and over. It was a lie/joke. But the weird thing is that when we were doing our seance to resurrect Papaya's mind, we discovered that he had two minds. One was a Compact and the other was the XP Papaya that I knew so well. Anyways, we tried resurrecting Papaya and all that would come up was a Compact that did nothing but show us its loading screens and then say: "To begin recovery press F11." We followed this instruction several times and even pressed every other key on the keyboard just in case it was mistaken, but it was to no avail. So, you're probably thinking we should just exorcise this emo ghost, and we probably would have if Papaya wasn't already dead. It doesn't really matter now so we'll probably just let it rest in peace. Though, I'd appreciate it if this ghost wasn't so stuck on keeping us from seeing our friend Papaya-chan again.

P.S. I bet you're all wondering how this ghost got stuck in my computer in the first place. It's all because of my uncle Billy and his failed attempts at human transmutation. Hmph.

Smelly Flowers

Heather's graduation was last night and we received a ton of flowers. Everyone figured that since we told them they couldn't bring presents they would bring flowers because, since no one likes them, they don't count as presents. Pretty sneaky, right?

Anyway, there is one bouquet that smells really strong. I'm not saying they smell bad, because they don't. They only smell strong. Standing within one foot of them would kill a horse. We had them in the living room but then people sitting around talking started collapsing so we had to move them. Anyway they are now located in the boys' room to cover the smell of "rotting tuna fish" as my mother puts it. We haven't figured out where that smell comes from but since we have something that smells worse readily at hand, we can just cover it up instead of fixing it.

Shakespeare Half Way Point

Today is the Shakespeare half way point, meaning that today I'm supposed to recite half my lines to Lexie. I suspect that what will happen is that I will stand next to her saying them as she ignores me. I could say anything I wanted to and she probably would not notice. Anyways, if anybody happens to be reading this, now you know that it is time to get a move-on on all those lines.

Recently, I was going through Toby Belch's lines. I was struck by how quickly and randomly he disappeared. His last scene is halfway through the play and he merely exits and is never seen again. I think he might be mentioned, but that really has nothing to do with me. It's said he marries Maria in the end, but apparently he's not there when it happens or something. The only impact it has on me is that the halfway point in my lines is rather early in the play. It's sometime during the scene tricking Malvolio I think.

May Day

Hey hey hey! Happy May Day! I bet that none of you remembered to say "Rabbit Rabbit" this morning. That's bad luck for you. Heh. (I forgot too. :P) Actually, I bet you didn't know about this little known Irish superstition. The first thing you say on the first day of the month needs to be "Rabbit Rabbit." If you do this, then you will have good luck that month. It would be great to have good luck, but I never remember to say it. Andrew always says that he said it, but if Andrew says "Rabbit Rabbit" and no one was around to hear him, does he make a sound? The answer is no.

Anyways, it's mayday. Someday I would like to sneak up to a girl's house early in the morning and leave a large May Day Basket there, but as of yet I have no driver's license so it would have to be a girl in the neighborhood. There is no girl in this neighborhood who even remotely appeals to me, so I'll have to wait until I have a driver's license to leave a May Day basket. Maybe, I could be a wussy pansy and leave one for my mom or something...

The only really cool thing happening this May Day is that Alexie is bothering Heather with talk of pagan worship. I don't know how Alexie knows all this stuff, but it's really fascinating and gross. Since I enjoy listening to her talk, she seldom tells me about it. Instead she tells Heather who does NOT want to hear this stuff. Alexie's favorite anecdote is how last October at our Fall Festival we had a maypole. At the time, Heather said we didn't want to do anything "Pagan" like Halloween that would offend anyone. Alexie likes to point out that maypoles are actually used in Pagan rituals. In comparison to maypoles, Halloween is harmless. This begs the question: "How come so many people hate Halloween and not maypoles?" Hmmm.

Swine Flu

Hey, there's an epidemic spreading through the country. It is not only very dangerous and incurable but it has a really dumb name. It's right now competing with the Avian Flu. That's a pretty dumb name too. It should be called the Demon Flu or the Older Sister Flu or something else that really strikes fear into the heart of victims. You know, then the doctor could say "You have the Death Flu. It currently has no cure." Whereupon the victims would show symptoms of nausea and fainting.

Currently, Mom is afraid that we have it so she wants us not to contaminate anyone until after Heather's graduation party on Sunday. Personally, I'm not that scared because I have a Super Immune System. It's so awesome that I suspect that I programmed it myself when I wasn't looking. It works something like this:

If LargeAnnoyingLookingAppointment=1
Sickness = 1
else
Sickness = 0
endif

I don't get sick when I'm having fun, off from school, or looking down the barrel of the most important test of the year (SAT, ACT, finals, etc.) I'm hoping that my friends will get better in time for their finals. I could always loan them my immune system if I could only find my USB port.

When DAF FO DILS be GIN to PLAY

It's that time of year again, summer! The birds are back, the air is warm, and we all know Andrew's audition piece backwards and forwards.

Andrew used to have a speech problem. I haven't noticed it recently but Mom still has him do "speech practice." Since he has a Shakespeare part he should be memorizing Mom has him do that. Actually, he does it so often and so loudly that I doubt there's a single McPherson who doesn't have everything memorized, including which words he stresses.

I should have Andrew do my part for his speech class instead. Then I would have it memorized in a matter of weeks.

R.I.P

We gather together today to mourn my super companion, Papaya. Papaya has been my desktop for four years. Together we've done all sorts of meaningful things, like waste time playing games and working on projects that we never finished. You have been loyal throughout the years and have never once gotten a virus. We'll never forget you, Papaya.

The cause of death was a mysterious electrical spike that blew out the motherboard (As Poirot would say, "What nonsense. I have never known a computer whose motherboard still worked), probably murder from some other appliance. Our prime suspect is the vaccuum, but as any good detective knows, it is never the prime suspect that actually did it. A good detective knows that the actual murder is usually the person who benefits from the will, which in this case is Avacado the Laptop. All of the programs and files on Papaya are going to be transfered to Avacado via some sort of computer seance where we channel Papaya and his memories through another computer, probably the less interestingly named "Work Computer." It's a tricky business that only top shamans like my mother can perform.

So just one more moment of silence for my terrific computer. He has served his master well. Goodbye, Papaya.

Driving with Dad

Today, Dad drove me home from school. He had a meeting in the area and figured he could do me the tremendous favor of taking me home. Unfortunately driving with him is only slightly more safe than throwing rocks at beehives. I could have died multiple times.

He would constantly zoom along until he is trapped behind a person moving slower than he was whereupon he would honk his horn and flash his headlights and make a general nuisance of himself. I wish he would just be patient. It is one of the fruits of the Spirit after all.

It's odd because whenever I am in the driver's seat I only have to be going downhill before he is clutching his heart and screaming. (figuratively speaking.) I drive much safer than he does and yet he complains about my driving all the time. What a hypocrite.

Irritations

I might as well break it to you that I won't have any more free time than I do now. I'll still be running my job as a transcriptionist for my dad and I might have a job at UTC as a math tutor. These two things are however nothing in comparison to my mother's new scheme: "Oh this and that."

Important proverb: Always beware mothers bearing ambiguity. The two jobs I currently carry will each take me a set amount of time which would then allow me to go home and rest for all the time that I'm not working. My mother now says that I will be working "at least one hour" around the house every day this summer except for Sundays. This is a big problem because she will not tell you what she needs you to do until the second before she wants you to do it.

If she would only tell me in advance what she wants me to do, I wouldn't be in human vegetable mode when she asks me to do it. But no. She will keep springing irritating little irritations that are each only about a second long on me all day long. "Duncan, move this. Duncan, move that. Duncan, help Luke. Duncan, wipe off this counter. Duncan, get Emily milk. Duncan, distract Emily. Duncan, find out why Connor is crying. Duncan, fix this. Duncan, I told you five minutes ago to move this. Duncan, would you please wipe off this counter. Duncan, go get the laundry pile. Duncan, feed the kids. Duncan, put Emily back in bed. Duncan, feel this counter. It doesn't feel like you did a very good job. Don't just stand there." I will have no time to rest. Mom will ask me that evening why I am so exhausted, after all I wasn't doing anything today.

M__________'s Rant

I have been told by my family that having last names online is an extremely dangerous thing. They're right, of course, which is why I have scanned my posts and changed every single last name to M_____ or K_____ or whatever. I have not checked comments so if anyone wants a comment containing their last name deleted, just leave a comment on this post telling me where to find it and I will delete it.

There was actually only one instance I could find of a last name being used so I removed that. Not only that but it was M______ so it doesn't matter that I encoded it because it is in enormous uncensored letters at the top of my blog.

My parents were not too worried about the name of the blog though and said I didn't have to change it, which is a relief because thinking of a good name for a blog is a pain. This leniency probably has to do with the fact that even if you knew my full name, finding me would be impossible because EVERY MCPHERSON ON THE PLANET is named "Duncan." And you probably thought my name was weird, didn't you? It's a blessing in disguise, it is.

That was a lot easier than I thought it would be

Today, I finished a biology final and had some time on my hands so I waltzed on over to room 205 in the EMCS and promptly filled out an application. I asked if I had to come back for an interview but the woman, who was clearly the head honcho, just gazed at me for a while and said "No. I'll call you if I need you."

I'm starting to suspect that it was too easy. They probably looked at my application and realized I was a complete incompetent when they saw that I put the word "Homeschool" down where it says "High School:". Or maybe they were tipped off when I had to call home to get my social security number.

When it asked for "Previous tutoring experience, formal and informal," I put "Teaching elementary school children Latin." Ha ha. How I love ambiguity. It's oh so iffy!

By the way, when it says "Put your last two classes down here:" They don't mean your last two math classes. They mean the two classes you took most recently, whether it be English, Science, Math, or whatever. They probably want to get the dirt on you from your teachers. Ha. Good luck with that. My teachers love me. I'm the best.

Flamingo, oh yeah!

Today was the Walk for Life, which I skipped in favor of fencing. Anyways, my siblings loved me so much that they put my name in for the raffle. I won a prize. It's a flamingo sculpture from Go Fish. It's awesome. If I knew how to operate a camera I would take a picture of me holding it and put it here.

The dilemma is figuring out where to put it. If you put it anywhere upstairs it will probably be knocked down and destroyed within a week. If you put it downstairs, mom will purse her lips every time she sees it and it will disappear mysteriously within a week. Either way its life expectancy isn't too good.

Anyways, I'd like to keep it because it reminds me of the Walk for Life, the same reason that I keep all my Walk for Life T-shirts and water bottles. It's awesome because the Walk for Life is something I believe is really important and so everything it produces is, by extension, awesome. It's not the sculpture I like half as much as what it stands for. It's a nice sculpture, though. Thank you Africans.

Easy Finals

Well there's good news in this post. (If any of you don't want to hear it, you can just close this window right now.)

I have such an enormous 'A' in biology that I only have to make a 24/50 (48%) on the final to get an 'A' in the course. Yes, it is amazing. I intend to work hard anyway, but it is a relief to know that I have an enormous safety net. It keeps me from being stressed out.

My other final is in Chemistry. I'm not too worried about it since I just took an hour long practice test and made a B:89%. The grades there are such that I only have to make a C:71% to get an 'A.' It's terrific.

Yes, let this be a lesson to all: If you don't leave everything off until the last minute then your last minute will not be as impossibly overwhelming as everyone else's.

French, the Language of Couchant.

(I might have to change the title if I find out that is not how you spell the French word for pig.)

My mother is reading a new book to the children called "The Avion my Uncle Flew," wherein nothing of any interest happens except for a couple Nazi encounters and French people speak like pigs.

I don't mean about pigs: I mean like pigs. Here's what I mean: Every French person in this book knows approximately one word and repeats it constantly. For example, this mayor dude is constantly either waving his arms and shouting or pointing at our main character and saying "Assassin! Assassin! Assassin!" He's like a pokemon or something. Then there's a little friend of the main character who has two modes of talking: "talking really rapidly in French" and "Vit! Vit! Vit!" repeatedly. Every now and then she kicks the mayor in the shins which is entertaining enough. When the "Oncle" (Hey hey hey! That means Uncle in French!) attempts to explain that his nephew is not an "Assassin! Assassin!" to the mayor, he repeats the French word for bread over and over. The reason for this is that he is trying to explain to the mayor that the gun his nephew is holding was found in a loaf of bread. So the conversation looks like this:

Mayor: Assassin! Assassin!

Oncle: Bread! Bread! Bread!

Mayor: *thinking "That is not bread you retard, that is a gun!"* Assassin! Assassin!

Oncle: Bread! Bread! Bread!

I don't spend too much time listening to this book.

Luke and his Death Threats

(By which I mean Luke M____, of course.)

Today I was sitting at my computer as Luke and Connor played some game on the table in the middle of the room. For purposes of convenience, I'll pretend it was chess.

Connor: Oooh! I could take your pawn with my bishop!

Luke: Connor! If you do that I'll kill you!

Duncan: *mild indignation* Luke! Don't say you'll kill your brother! Especially over something so petty!

Luke: Oh, alright.

They continue playing...

Connor: Oooh! I could take your rook with my knight!

Luke: If you do that I'll kill you!

Duncan: *Hey. Deja vu* Luke!! I told you not to say that!

Luke: Oh, alright.

He repeats this a couple of times followed by me scolding him.

Connor: Oooh! I could take your queen with my rook!

Luke: If you do that I- I- *looks at me* I'll kill myself!

Duncan: *What the heck?* Luke!!!

These threats are completely meaningless, of course, but it is distressing that Luke uses these kind of threats in the first place.

Heather's Petty Hatred of Super Program

Today I made sure to ask whether I would be allowed to use Super Program during fencing today. Heather said she needed to look at it first. Of course, she has already looked at it but she said she hadn't given it the thumbs-up.

O.K. Whatever. So I showed it to her. She glared at the screen for a while and then asked: "So in effect people are climbing higher on the backs of others?" (Exact quote.) I actually prefer to think of it in a more positive way. I told her it wasn't like that at all and that she was just trying to put a negative spin on it.

The next exchange was really weird and stupid so I'll put in a script-type format for full effect:
Heather: Well you know the people look kind of... you know...
Duncan: Hmm. Should I put in a person's crest instead of a representation?
Heather: Ah! I would totally let you use Super Program if you did that!

...

I worked really hard on those pin people. Maybe I'm just not an artist...

Heather then suggested that it look more medieval. If that's all it takes to make her happy, then fine. Although it will mean a lot of work for me. If anyone has any suggestions on how to make Super Program medieval, let me know.

College's Good Point

Hey, I always thought it was terrible to have to wake up early to get a shower and breakfast before 7:30, but now I found a silver lining: I don't have to sit through breakfast and listen to books of general interest anymore.

Recently, Mom was reading some book to the kids that had some dumb title like "The Magic Well" or "Seven or so Moronic Children and their Magical Adventures with a Mermaid." The only part I sat through was the part where one of the children popped the ceiling of a world that was located under the sea. They were all wondering how they could keep from dying from the pressure even though they were several leagues under the ocean when some kid had the brilliant notion that the SKY WAS FAKE. So even though they were told not to touch it, she/he popped the ceiling and killed everyone. Actually, no one died though they should have. All the ocean's waters flooded in and then the evil fish people (Who are different from mermaids FYI.) could come in and kill everyone. So they had to help or something. I didn't stick around.

Anyways, right after the idiot child popped the ceiling the author said: I will not reveal this child's name so that you won't think less of them. (Yes, the author really said that.)

"Oh no! What have I done!" said the child that will remain unnamed.

"Boy you've done it now you dweeb!" said Luke.

"Oh no! Even though the merpeople were so kind to us!" said Duncan.

"I think you'd better go apologize!" said Megan.

"Yes, and explain what happened!" said Grace B.

"Oh no! What if they kick us out of their magical merman land!" said Freeman, who then began to cry because this is a wussy book about wussy children.

So, by the way, if you haven't already used the process of elimination to figure out the name of the child who did it, then you obviously do not care. I know that I didn't care, so I left.

Glory to the Information Age

Recently I was chatting with a friend (Ariel) using gmail. My mother walked in, stared at my screen for a while, and then asked "Why don't you just use the phone?"

Well, after the telephone was invented people didn't correspond by telegraph did they? I think not. When something bigger and badder is invented, hip youngsters, like me, naturally move on.

To be fair to my mother, I will probably someday ask my child why he doesn't just use online chat when he wants to talk. I will have degenerated that far. Age is a scary thing.

Being no help at all

Today, one of the billions of clothes shelves in one of the attics collapsed taking at least a million dresses with it. Our attic now looks like a disaster zone. Mom gathered together the two greatest minds in the land, Andrew and Duncan, to help her solve her dilemma: Is there a more efficient way to store clothes that doesn't require cleaning an enormous mess?

So there stood the two geniuses staring at the incredible mess, stroking their chins, and wondering whether they had any other commitments that they could use to get out of this. Every now and then Mom would ask us what we thought and then one of us would shrug and say "I have no idea" and go back to stroking our chins. Finally, Lexie came and told me it was time to go to school. Phew. I'm glad that was over. All that thinking was hurting my head.

Heather Troubles

Because Heather trusted me enough to share her Douglas problems with me, I will not actually be saying anything about the actual conversation during this post. I just want to say that Alexie was really cool last night. Heather was upset about something that happened between her and Douglas and thus had to explain it to Alexie and me. (Rare treat. Usually she doesn't talk to anyone in her family about Douglas.) Since I had just been studying for a biology test and was meditating very hard to keep all the information from flowing out of my head, I was not much help. Alexie, however was terrific. Watching Alexie argue is like watching... hm. I don't watch sports, but let me assure you that it was beautiful.

Coordinated

It is currently my goal to coordinate my schedule at UTC to maximize the amount of time that I can see my friends based on their schedules, which is difficult because I have almost no idea what they're taking. Coordinating this is almost impossible because the only people who are allowed to sign up later than sophmores are freshmen. It's like arranging a meeting between a terrorist and a Republican in the white house.

Arranging classes with Ariel is pretty easy since she seems to know exactly what she's taking. On the other hand, Luke Keller, when seriously pressed, admits that he will definitely be taking "some sort of science class" next semester. That narrows at least one of his classes down to about three different departments.

Of course, the obvious solution is for everyone to agree to leave the same hour open for lunch, since coordinating everyone not taking a class at the same time is at least a million times easier than coordinating everyone getting into the same classes since there are always about ten sections for each class. Even if you agree to take the same classes, there's only a small chance that you'll both be able to get the same section. As for me, I'll be leaving 12:00 to 12:50 open on Monday and Friday (No lunch break on Wednesday. I have a lab. I'll just stave off my hunger by eating my lab book or something.)

Phylogentic Trees

At the beginning of the semester, my teacher stressed the importance of the flippability of the phylogenetic tree. (For all of you who have not taken Biology from my professor, a phylogenetic tree is what scientists use to record evolution.)

For example, a phylogenetic tree can be written as either:
or or
This is important to note because, get a load of this, "Humans are no more evolutionarily advanced than any other organism."

Well, the real reason we studied them in the order that we did (The first one) is that every time we moved to the next organism we would add another characteristic: Sponges have nothing, not even tissues, jellyfish have tissues but nothing else, worms had tissues, a coelom and segmentation, bugs had tissues, segmentation, a true coelom and sensory organs, blah blah blah. Eventually we got to humans with tissues, bilateral symmetry, segmentation, differentiation, a coelom, sensory organs, cephalization, a backbone, a placenta, a spine that absorbs impact, a cerebrum (not to mention an entire nervous system including notochord, dorsal spinal column, and nerve endings which each took billions of years to evolve supposedly), arms that can ROTATE!!!, and the capacity to cook ramen noodles, to mention about 1%.

Everything that was added after every billion years or so we have in spades. So what on earth does he mean when he says we're not more evolutionarilly advanced than sponges? I've a phylogenetic chart a mile long!

Power Supply Obliterated

Tragedy of tragedies: My computer broke. My grandfather, who invented the computer but not really, says that it is either the power supply that is broken or the motherboard. If it's the motherboard the computer is dead, but if it is the power supply it is only sleeping and can be awakened by the kiss of a prince.

We ordered a new power supply and now we are waiting for it. I want to end this miserable torment of desperately wishing that my computer isn't dead as soon as possible. I have a lot of things that are very important to me on that computer, like Super Program's code and my Chemistry programs. Please please please, be the power supply!

Bouncy Castles

I was recently talking about bouncy castles with Ariel. What do you know: She's never been on one. I bet she has and she just doesn't remember because Bouncy Castles are one of the staples of human life just like Four Square. Anyways, I got off the computer, went to class, came out of class, and saw four enormous bouncy castles lining cardiac arrest hill. Gasp!

Apparently some organization called "A.C.E" (I have no idea what it stands for so don't ask) hosted a great big festival to promote something. It probably had something to do with their initials. They're apparently a very big important organization that probably has funding from the campus because there were four bouncy castles, a mechanical bull, a thing that spins around and makes you sick, and a lot of free food. There was also a band called Whild Peach that performed at 7:00 so I was home when they played.

I love festivals. They are so great. There should be more festivals in the U.S. For example, instead of just giving the postmen off on Martin Luther King day we could blow up some bouncy castles, invite some people to sell stuff, and have an enormous festival. It would be awesome.

Trends are bad, lack of trends is worse.

In Chemistry there are dozens of trends on the periodic table that we need to memorize. Atoms are bigger to the left and down. Atoms are more electronegative to the right and up. Atoms are more likely to lose electrons if they're to the left and more likely to gain electrons if they're to the right. But, as much as I hate memorizing trends, I have discovered something even worse.

As a general rule if an atom forms molecules it has a higher boiling point if it is bigger which is lower on the table but if it forms bonds between atoms then it has a higher boiling point if it is higher up on the table. I always thought molecules WERE bonds between atoms. Apparently not.

Example: In group 14, Carbon has the highest boiling point, Tin has the lowest. In group 17 (Halogens), Iodine has the highest boiling point and Fluorine has the lowest. Group 18 (Nobles Gases) have the same rule as group 17.

The only reason I really care is that I got a 99% on my chemistry test because I said Helium had the highest boiling point of the noble gases instead of Xenon. Annoying.

What is its mouth doing down there?

Today I had a big bad Biology test. All of the questions were really easy, for example: "What is the phylum name of a jellyfish. What is the phylum name of an earthworm. What is the phylum name of an insect." Since the only thing we have been studying is phylum names, it was a cinch. Some questions were really hard, though. Here are a couple that I'm pretty sure I got wrong:

1) What is the name of the tissue that connects the intestines.
Ans: Mesentery. (I guessed Mesoderm. I was sort of close if you count by syllables.)
2) What is the name of this organism?
Ans: Planaria. (I guessed Platyhelminthe which is the phylum name of the Planaria. I was close.)
3) What is this structure?
Ans: Mouth. (I guessed ovary because it was in the worm's... well the area where the ovary should be.)

Of course, the four extra credit questions were a breeze so I'm pretty sure I got over 100% again. That would be convenient.

Fighting the Establishment

Speaking of classes, Organic Chemistry met its death at 7:00 this morning. There were two reasons for this:

1) All the classes filled up.
2) Organic Chemistry can only be taken in your third year.

None of these seemed to bother Mom at all. She said all I had to do was go down to the UC, pick up Form 104EDC740-cX so that I could "force-ed" my way into a filled class and Form 3912fTToadsOP-Xt6 to "force-ed" my way into a class above my grade level. To fill these forms you'll need signatures from you, your guardian, the teacher whose class you are forcing your way into, the president of the united states, etc. I decided to put my foot down.

The reason being that last semester Dr. Davies inserted a shameless plug into his Latin class for a Classics class that was a 300 level course. (Dr. Davies is like the brand names that advertise their soaps and deoderants on their shampoo bottles.) Alexie, of course, decided to take it. She had to fill out both these forms, while battling Dr. Davies' evil non-red-headed secretary of DOOOM, and somehow getting Dr. Davies to sign them without his secretary noticing. Dr. Davies suggested that Alexie change her motto from "Hard work and guts" to "Paperwork and guts."

Dr. Davies secretary used to be a nice red-headed lady according to Heather, but she was hired by someone with more money and pizzazz than Dr. Davies and was thus stolen from him, leaving him broken and depressed enough to hire an evil secretary. (At least she won't be stolen from him, right?)

Anyways, to cut a long tragic epic battle short, Alexie died tragically. She didn't get into the class. I decided not to even bother. Funny thing is that I was only going to take Organic Chemistry to test my limits. Apparently, I come up rather short if I don't even have enough awesomeness to even get into the class.

SUCH fun

Today, I have a lot of things that happened so I might make multiple blog posts. Oh well. Anyway the first thing that happened to me was Signing Up for Classes Hell, which when abbreviated makes the word "SUCH" for no reason.

Anyways, I was awake at 5:30 so that I could get Mom to turn off Covenant Eyes. Covenant Eyes is our filter which does not allow internet activity between 10:00 and 7:00 which is usually fine because that is usually when my parents are asleep. However, I needed that computer at 6:00 to sign up for classes. Anyways, that was turned off and so I waited stealthily for 6:00 to strike. When 6:00 did strike, guess what? The registry page was counted by Mom's pop-up blocker as a pop-up. Had to switch computers. It was SUCH a pain.

Turns out that most of my classes were full by the time I was able to log on. (7:00, I could have totally slept in) I signed up for Timothy Parker's English Class (ENGL 122 007), Dr. Davies' Latin Class (LAT 101 001), and Phillip Giffin's Economics Class (ECON 102 004/005) for anyone who is interested in knowing such random unimportant information. I also need three more credit hours if any of my friends know a class that they will also be in that counts for some Gen Ed requirement that I haven't yet met. Not that any of this is important.

P.S. Phillip Giffin is supposedly a strong Republican with an oddly spelled name and dozens of open spaces in his class. I'd advise anyone who happens to be at UTC next semester to take him. Not that I'm insinuating anything.

Double Whammy

Today I have two tests. This is annoying because usually after one test I enter a zombified state and crash into things. Too much thinking. Therefore I will be completely brain-dead during my second test, which is in Chemistry. Fortunately all my study for the Chemistry Lab test I did yesterday doubles as study for today's test so I might manage to pull off two 'A's.

The last time I did two tests on the same day I got a 'B' in my second test. Yes, it is true. I read my test paper afterwards and it looked like it had been written by a monkey. It was saturated with careless errors. In fact, since it was a chemistry test, it was SUPER-SATURATED, meaning that the ion product was greater than the equlibrium constant. It was truly pathetic. I managed to persuade him to give me half credit on one question where I completely solved it and then put a 6 down instead of a 5. I amaze myself sometimes.

Chemistry FIIIIIIIINAAAAAAAAL

Wow. What a blast. Today was my final in my Chemistry Lab. 30 minutes before the class I sat down and studied like I had never studied before, which I hadn't. I think I got an 'A' anyway. It's amazing what a little bit of last second cramming can do.

Not really. I've been studying this bloodsucker of a test for a week. I even created a set of programs that would give randomly generated Chemistry questions to me. I learn better when I teach someone, so I programmed the program so that it could teach me, and it worked. I got twice the benefit. Hooray for Dark Basic!

The funny thing was that there were two questions on the test which asked about material that I only learned while sitting out in the hall waiting for the test. It was divine providence I tell you

Do it with a chord~!

Recently I tried to play the piano again. It didn't work too well. So I've been re-teaching myself the basics. Every time I mess up one of the basic drills I get frustrated, so I play a C-chord to calm myself down. C-chords are great. Yes, you can put C-chords onto anything and make them sound fuller and grander. It's swell. Of course, at the rate that I mess up, I play more C-chords than actual notes. I'll get it eventually, though. Practice makes perfect.

Friday Theology

Today, my Dad gave a really great Sunday School lesson on Friday Theology vs. Sunday Theology. (Or at least that's what he called it.) Friday Theology celebrates Christ as your Savior, who died for your sins and makes you right before God. Sunday Theology celebrates Christ as your Lord, who has risen from the dead.

Now that I've heard it, I realize that I am too obsessed with Friday Theology. Instead of praise and worship, I zero in too much on thankfulness and repentance. Jesus is my Lord as well as my Savior, although I too seldom give him credit for it. I will strive from now on to give God his total due instead of just the one half. Praise the Lord. He is risen.

Plane Crisis

Chinese Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time a father called each of his responsible eldest children and told them to look through the e-mail saying: Whoever finds the e-mail containing your mother's flight information will inherit my fortune.

The eldest son searched but could not find anything.

The second eldest son kind of stared at the computer screen for a while and then left.

The second eldest daughter did some clicking around to no avail.

The eldest son took another shot at it.

The eldest son dragged the second eldest son back so the second eldest son could take a shot at it. The second eldest son failed.

The rest of the children ran around upstairs yelling.

The youngest daughter started crying because she thought that the "Scotland people had killed her mother."

The father found the information himself and told his three children to go jump off a cliff.

The moral of the story is that if you want your wife back in your country, you'll have to do all the work yourself. The end.

Simple Subtraction

This'll have to be my last post today lest I pass the 500 blogs a week limit. (I bet you didn't even know they had that limit.)

Anyways, I've found a use for subtraction: Calculating what time you ought to start your movies in order to end at a reasonable hour. For example: If you need to be done by 10:00 and your movie is 2 hours long, you should start no later than 8:00. I mention this because I have recently discovered that none of my siblings can do this.

Example 1: Heather recently tried to organize a watching of "Ever After" with the kids down to Grace (Bedtime=8:00). "Ever After" is 1 hr, 40 mins. What time should we start by?
Heather's Answer: 7:00.

Example 2: Alexie, Duncan, Andrew, David (Earliest bedtime: 9:00) all intended to watch a movie rental that needed to be returned as soon as possible. It was 100 mins (1 hr, 40 mins.) What time do we start by.
Alexie's and Andrew's Answer: Ignore Duncan and David trying to get it started at 7:00 so that David will be able to watch the whole thing. Send e-mails for thirty extra minutes, start at 7:30.

The reason I brought this up was because last night David helped with the Walk for Life. (fighting abortion.) David and Andrew had an one-hour movie for that night so I made sure to get David back before 8:00 so he could watch it. When we got back, we were immediately greeted by Andrew who said to David (exact quote): "David, because you went walking for life we can not watch our movie tonight." David was very upset. Now this strikes me as odd because Andrew: a) doesn't care whether anyone gets to bed on time. b) Always starts his movies way too late. c) Was wrong because they did manage to watch it all and end before 9:00.

The only thing that Andrew did by saying that was to make David feel bad for doing the Walk for Life, something which is one hundred times more important than watching a movie or doing computer projects.

Ode to UTC

Well, Andrew recently complained that all I do on my blog is complain about him. It isn't true since I complain about all the rest of my siblings too. Anyways, I decided to write something positive. It's on school.

Yeah I know that everything I've said so far about school is negative. Still, even though the teachers represent a direct assault on my faith, I still enjoy biology. Since the teacher was mysteriously absent last week (Turned out he wasn't at the conference. He was in the emergency room.) we dissected a rat this week. The rat was completely full of "preservative fluid" so that when you got too close to peer through the murky depths of the formaldehyde to find the spleen (The spleen is long and dark, like a passageway.), a piece of skin would flap and splash this "preservative fluid" into your face. Our teacher advised that we keep our mouths closed.

I also enjoy Performance class. For our final project we're supposed to take a scene from Our Town and adapt it to another setting (pirates, medevil, prohibitionary period, renaissance, modern day, etc.) So I was roped together with two guys who thought like this:
Invisible horse --> Imaginary Friend --> This guy has been taking drugs.
The horse is invisible because Thornton Wilder decided to write into the play "NO PROPS OR SCENERY ALLOWED NOT EVEN A HORSE" So the milkman who in the play leads a horse around has become "Smoking Bear" and he's totally stoned.

My favorite class is statistics because it lets me do things like this:
Duncan: Ooooh. I wonder if the average mean of the matches fenced per week is greater than or equal to 3 with an alpha of 0.05!!!
...
Duncan: YAY! I JUST FAILED TO REJECT THE NULL HYPOTHESIS! WOOHOO!

Which means I just proved nothing. The end.

Amazing New Revelation for my younger siblings

I woke up this morning after Dad had left for work. Mom's out of town, but the kids are supposed to do school anyway. So here's the revelation: You're supposed to do school anyway. Here I am meandering about and the kids are e-mailing friends, watching TV, playing with blocks, etc. It drives me nuts. I'm assuming that I'm in charge of making the siblings do their work since I'm the oldest responsible adult in the house. (besides Alexie, but she doesn't count.) Here are two typical meetings.

Act I, scene II
Setting is bonus room. Emily is watching Blue's Clues or some other infantile show of the like. She's probably watching the creepy show "Blue's house" where Blue talks and she has a new creepy sidekick/friend/white dog with green spots and a high nasal voice. Now I know why dogs don't talk. Connor is standing near the bonus room door holding his mathbook and completely entranced by the screen even though what he's watching him could not possibly interest him unless he had school to do.

Duncan: Connor. *Connor convulses suddenly as if he has been shocked with 1,000,000 volts.*

Connor: Uh... *Tries to leave the room through the door I am currently standing in. I grab his forehead and tilt his head back and gaze deep into his eyes.*

Duncan: Do your school.

Connor: Yes. *Runs away really fast to go stare at some other screen, like Luke's computer monitor. By the way, Luke is not doing his handwriting*

Act I, Scene II
Someone gets married, probably Heather.

Act I, Scene III
Someone dies, probably Douglas. Heather is torn, so she sings opera.

Act II, Scene IV
Duncan walks into the parents' room, the only room with computers connected to the Internet. There is Andrew typing away at the computer, e-mailing back and forth with people.

Duncan: Who are you talking to? Laura? Jacob?

Andrew: No, Matthew.

Duncan: What? Why?

Andrew: Jacob's not available.

Duncan: Maybe he's doing more important things like schoolwork.

Andrew: .........................

Duncan: *Ellipses are supposed to only have three dots* Well, how about you stop talking and go do your school?

Andrew: O.K. *Keeps typing*

Duncan: *Grabs keyboard* Don't worry, I'll wrap things up.

Andrew: *Grabs keyboard back* Just let me finish this up!

Duncan: How long?

Andrew: *Keeps typing* .............................

Duncan: Three minutes?

Andrew: Four.

Duncan: Three and a half.

Andrew: Fine.

Act I, Scene V
Four and a half minutes have passed since Act I, Scene IV.
Duncan: Andrew! GET OFF!

Andrew types something like "goodbye, hugs and kisses forever, love love, ha ha, I will never forget you, not even my flesh has been stripped from my bones, XXXOOO, Bie." Then exits hurriedly stage right.

Well, I've got to go. I have to adapt a scene from "Our Town" into a scene about a bunch of Indians. (Don't ask.) Bie.

Why is it that siblings are so unhelpful?

I bet we have all heard our parents complain about how hard it is to get children to work, right? I TOLD Duncan at least a BAZILLION times to clean that table and he still hasn't moved. Well, they have no idea how hard it is to motivate siblings.

For Example:
I recently told Luke and Connor that they could play on my computer all they wanted in exchange for helping me clean dinner. Andrew and David got pretty steamed that I was "manipulating my brothers." So what did they do? Well, Andrew just whined. He's harmless. David let Connor and Luke play on his computer all they wanted for free.

I bet you're thinking: Well that proves that he loves his brothers and doesn't want them to be taken advantage of, right? Listen, if someone truly wanted to be selfless, they wouldn't take away workers from their bosses for the sake of the workers, they would take the place of the workers for the sake of both the bosses and the workers. Think Jesus.


The reason I bring this up is because yesterday I asked my siblings a thousand times to help me find "Our Town." To her credit, Grace helped. In the end, I gave up on my siblings and had Dad drive me back and forth between the library TWICE. (The first time was a failure because no one would help me find a working library card. I had to go back to get a Photo ID to renew a library card.)

In the end, guess where it was hidden. You guessed it, on a bookshelf. On Lexie's bookshelf to be exact. This morning when she was gathering her books for school she found it and handed it to me. She said she thought I had already looked there. (I had but I had only done a cursory scan.) In short, if Lexie had just looked a little bit when I asked her to help me search, I could have saved mountains of time.

Remember parents, when you get tired of children doing nothing to help you, you just threaten corporal punishment. Siblings also threaten corporal punishment but it only motivates the siblings to move closer to parents. You think you have it hard, try being a sibling.

So, where is it supposed to be?

Well, most of my readers know that my mother has left the country. She's in Scotland now. However, since she's been gone I have not been able to find anything.

For example, yesterday I tore through the house looking for my jacket. I could have sworn I left it lying around somewhere, but no. Someone had the nerve to hang it up in a closet. I mean, who would put it in a dumb place like that?

And then the statistics book. I had to school without it because I couldn't find it in the morning. I eventually found it on the shelf that mom made for me to put my schoolbooks on. And I could have sworn I left it on the dining room table.

I'm still trying to find "Our Town" which is assigned reading for theatre class. I know that at the beginning of the semester it was on the floor next to the couch, but since then it has moved and I have been unable to find it. I bet I'll find it somewhere dumb like a bookshelf or something.

Well, I have to go search for the Lame that Elizabeth Poston ordered. See you later.

Pudding

Mmmm. Lexie's pudding is so good. Today the classics club is having a bake sale at UTC. Yeah, I know what you are all thinking: Classics club? That sounds like a club for super nerdy people! Yeah, well my sister is in there. She really likes her Latin professor, Dr. Davies, so when he put a shameless plug for the classics club into his lesson, Lexie actually decided to attend. (Most professors at UTC also are the advisers for clubs and insert shameless plugs into their lessons. Example: I have been invited to join the Chemistry club by four different professors.)

Anyways, Dr. Davies decided to take the club to the parthenon in Nashville so they're holding a bake sale to raise money. Dr. Davies made some cookies that look like garbage so I didn't buy them. Lots of people made cookies. Lexie however made chocolate pudding with whipped cream and oreo crumbs. I've so far bought two and if there are any left when I show up to beg Lexie to take me home, I'll buy those too. They're so good.

My faith is so laughable.

It occurred to me recently when I was taking my biology test that my teacher has more faith in atheism than I do in God. I characteristically refuse to talk about God in public but my teacher puts questions on the test that say something like: "How many years were there in between the evolution of prokaryotes and eukaryotes?" The answer is one billion. Which strikes me as odd because it took one billion years to evolve a nucleus and then three billion years to evolve everything else: sensory organs, intellect, Duncan McPherson, all those really complex and amazing things.

In my first semester one question asked: What is the origin of life? a) Gradual Evolution. b) Aliens C) Intelligent Creator. d) Sudden Evolution. (This was not the exact wording) Can you guess which was the right answer? I put down (a) and got the question right but it made me feel dirty inside.

So, nobody here would complain if I assumed evolution is false, right? God exists beyond a shadow of a doubt. So why is it that I can't admit it to other people or take a definitive stand on principle while my teacher has enough gall to put atheism on tests? My cowardice annoys me.

Arthropoda

Finally, we have reached the realm of things able to be seen with the naked eye in my Biology class. When we were studying Archaea and Bacteria all we could do is look through microscopes at them, which is bad because microscopes are my one weakness. Even though I have tried once a week for an entire year I have not yet figured out how to adjust the microscope so that both my eyes are looking at the same thing. I scroll it one way, too large. The other way, too small. Microscopes are scum.

Anyways, it's nice to be able to dissect things, although sometimes you have to use a microscope to look at something like half of a cricket's coelom cell or something.

P.S. People who name their cricket "Jiminy" before dissecting it are about as unique and clever as the people who hear my name and ask "Can I have some doughnuts? Tee hee hee."

Honor Matches

It finally happened: someone cheated on super program. Two little boys put down two matches that they didn't actually fight. I asked the boys themselves two questions: Did you really fight these and who directed? The answer was predictable: They were "honor matches."

They both claimed to have beaten my younger brother. I had been directing Connor's (my brother) matches and when I went to the computer I saw two matches that I knew Connor hadn't fought. I asked Connor about it and he said he never fought those matches. It's really annoying because I can program all day but I can't make a program that senses lies. It really is dependent on honesty.

I can't think of a tactful way to break it to them that they can't lie. I've never been one for tact. I'm going to have to talk to Heather about this.

Test questions

I just finished up a test, which I'm pretty sure I aced but I can't be 100% positive. For example one question was:

"What are the two main characteristics of seedless vascular plants? (3 points)"

My answer was:

1) They don't have seeds.
2) They have vascular systems.

I actually used really long sentences but this pretty much sums it up. I looked over my notes afterward and couldn't figure out what he wanted. I'm just going to cross my fingers and hope for the best.

P.S. If anyone knows what sponges and their choanoflagellate ancestor have in common, I would be much obliged. I took a really random stab in the dark on that one.

Test-happy teachers

I bet most of you still thought finals week was one week. Gee, what rock have you guys been living under? This next week will be my last week of peace. After that I have eight tests in two weeks.

Most of you are thinking, but Duncan you only take four classes and Theatre class isn't even giving you a final. You would be right. In two weeks I will have eight tests in three subjects. What is this world coming too?

Not only that but Theatre, instead of contributing to my enormous number of tests has a "Final Project." I'm supposed to put on a scene from "Our Town" with my class complete with props and costumes. That will obviously not detract from the time I spend studying for tests in the slightest.

In addition, three of the tests are "cumulative" which means I'm going to have to remember everything I studied during the entire semester. Since I can't even remember what happened before spring break it looks like I'm doomed.

Oh man. I didn't get to dissect a rat.

Today my biology teacher is away at a conference. He was going to arrange a substitute teacher but it didn't happen. It's too bad because today we were supposed to dissect a starfish and a rat. Yeah, disappointing right? And I wanted to see if rat's organs really did look exactly like human's organs.

After fifteen minutes all the students left. It's a good thing these guys don't take my Theatre class because the teacher in there is always at least twenty minutes late.

What's funny is that during my first semester there was never a single cancelled class. This semester I have teachers who are constantly leaving town for extended periods of times and teachers who get sick and perish for the day. Weird.

He'll probably be back in town for next week's lab which will be: Ecology of a rotting log. Yahoo. I'm jumping for joy.

Thin-skinned prejudiced pessimist

Recently David has read what is apparently a very interesting book on personality analysis. When you are talking with him he will randomly pause as you talk, stare off into space, and then nod his had and say: "Yeah, you're a J." I'm apparently something like an NJ$*2P8 or something. It means something along the lines of: "You're a person who is quick to judge people, is wholly concentrated on the negative aspects of life, and takes others opinions too seriously." or something to that extent. I think the only compliment he's given me is "decisive" which is not much of a compliment when you realize the other choice was "cautious." I would rather be decisive than cautious though.

Conficker: Dark hybrid between the word 'configure' and a swear word created by Satan himself.

By the way, the swear word in question isn't an English swear word. I know what you were all thinking but that is only because your minds are base and questionable.

The actual swear word is 'ficker' a German word for a piece of anatomy that girls don't have, you guessed it: the brain.

It was supposed to go rampant today and take half a million souls straight to Satan's throne but apparently it wussified or something.

In reality this evil virus that shut down the royal British marines and the British airlines and the standing army of the Netherlands does nothing but keep you from downloading Windows updates. What has Britain come to that it goes into a panic when it can no longer upgrade its service centers? I think it is time to step in and forcefully annex them.

I'm serious, British airlines closed because it couldn't download its own flight schedules. This really shouldn't have been a problem because it's not like they follow these schedules or anything, but they shut down anyway on principle.

April fools!

General rule of the day: Don't believe the first words out of anyone's mouth. After that they get bored and forget that it is April Fools' day. I've heard that a couple guys (including Andrew) are planning something for fencing today so be prepared.

Now that I mention fencing, Super Program makes his debut today but being a trusting sort of chap I haven't programmed anything that will protect against practical jokes. (Plus that would have been hard.) I hope no one finds it funny to input a dozen matches that weren't actually held. Sigh.

My favorite joke of the day would have to be Luke's joke on Lexie. It went something like this:

Luke: *shakes Lexie awake* Guess what Lexie!

Lexie: What?

Luke: Uh...

Lexie: April fools?

Luke: *snaps fingers* Drat!

I am seriously not making this interaction up even though it is April Fools' day. It was the funniest lame thing I have ever seen.