Volcanic Explosion!

Apparently, there was some sort of volcanic activity in Europe that covered the entire European world in darkness. People have been walking up to me and asking how is Heather. They are very worried. Anyway, yesterday Heather called and asked for a Ginger Snap recipe. (Super emergency right there.) Dad immediately followed up by asking how she was. She was mildly confused and asked him what the heck he was talking about. He told her that a volcano had exploded nearby and she was in critical danger. She told him that yes, they had been ordered to stay inside, but the sky outside was clear and bright. So much for that.

P.S. Douglas and Heather seem to have sustained minor damage to their taste buds. They had an ingenious idea to add oatmeal to ginger snaps. They call them Ginger Oat Snaps. Pray for them.

Douglas Has Arrived

Status Report: After four days delay for snow and a missed flight in Texas, Douglas has arrived. Heather is much quieter this morning: She's probably more talkative online than in person when it comes to Douglas. Alexie has not come downstairs yet. Since Douglas was lain over in Texas for a while, he bought Emily a Sheriff's Badge, which is really great since we got Bang for Christmas and Emily and Luke have been really loving it. Dad loves it and plays it whenever we have five players, but the older kids minus myself are uncooperative and unenthusiastic. The problem is that Bang is not a game for kids under the age of five and the subtle intrigue often proves elusive for kids with the mental capacity of Emily, Luke, and Andrew. Maybe Douglas would play...

Starcrossed Lovers

It is the most unfortunate news that I have to report today: Douglas is not coming into America today. Britain had the most violent snowstorm it has seen for many a year. All flights were cancelled. The soonest Douglas can get here by is the 27th. You can tell Britain is a socialist country because when flights are cancelled one day, flights are backed up for four days. Maybe more.

I haven't seen Heather today yet, and I don't intend to. Heather will be very snappish and short-tempered since she's been looking forward to this for so long. I'm planning mostly to either hide in my room or in Mom's room where the internet is. Anyway, Heather only leaves her room for meals so it shouldn't be too hard to evade her.

Stars in My Eyes

Today I was daydreaming. Yes, I daydream. I was thinking to myself "Hm. If Obama enacts universal health care, what could I do? Well, it will chase doctors out of the markets, so I would be more secure in my job, and if it gets competitive, I'm sure I'm smart enough to survive. And if it turns into a who-you-know instead of what-you-know system, I'm so affable that I could certainly survive. In fact, I think I could thrive under this system if I stay on the cutting edge of teleradiology, and if I'm one of the few radiologists in America and stay cheap enough to compete with job exportations to countries that will soon be more free and capitalist than America, then I could live anywhere I want as all my business comes to me digitally. Anyway, if Rathke succeeds in globalizing ACORN then he could crash the entire global economy and I won't even have to worry about-"
"Hey," Grandma said, causing me to realize that I had just been talking to her. "Where are you?"
"In the future," I replied. Hey. Am I always this stupid or was I just half-asleep? That's a pretty poor response.
"Oh? And what are you thinking about?"
"Universal health care," I said, honestly.
"You were not," Grandma replied indignantly. I was slightly taken aback.
"No, that was honestly it."
"Well," Grandma said, "You don't have to tell me what you were thinking about." Then she gave me the look, so I knew what she was thinking. The only other time she uses that look is when she asks Heather about Douglas.
"No Grandma, that was really it."
"Well, I was just thinking, you had such a contented expression on your face, I figured you were thinking about having a wife and kids and a house." Seriously. I bet you often wonder what your grandparents think you are thinking. Now you know that you don't want to know.
So apparently, I get a dopey look on my face when I think about exploiting my country. Am I... stupid?

Ultimate Cosmic Power

Hey Grandad's ranking system really is great! Today, I arrived in North Carolina at about 4:30. I was promptly taken to a Republicans' training meeting where Grandad showed an one-hour presentation he had made toting every possible aspect of his new ranking system. (Sound familiar? I really like Grandad.) It was really awesome. Every now and then one of the ladies in the crowd would say something like "Oooooooh. You must be a genius." or "Gasp! I never knew there was something so amazing in your ranking system!" Whereupon Grandad would look smug and continue. I wish I could have such support during my presentations. I just get cruel snickers from Evelyn and Douglas. Growl.

But hey, this ranking system really is amazing. Every single person in every single precinct is counted. It's one thing when you are told that there are 3461 Republicans in Precinct 12. It's another when you hear that there are 8 Libertarians. I mean, there are so few libertarians that I wouldn't even care enough to put them in. Grandad put them in and each of them have their names, addresses, etc. recorded. And speaking of how well their information is recorded, I just have to say that it is amazing. I can find out anything about anyone including their registered party, what years they have voted, how they voted, cell phone numbers, household size, and deepest darkest secrets. (P.S. Last one was the joke FYI.) It makes me power drunk. Bwa ha ha ha ha.

Heather Troubles

Because Heather trusted me enough to share her Douglas problems with me, I will not actually be saying anything about the actual conversation during this post. I just want to say that Alexie was really cool last night. Heather was upset about something that happened between her and Douglas and thus had to explain it to Alexie and me. (Rare treat. Usually she doesn't talk to anyone in her family about Douglas.) Since I had just been studying for a biology test and was meditating very hard to keep all the information from flowing out of my head, I was not much help. Alexie, however was terrific. Watching Alexie argue is like watching... hm. I don't watch sports, but let me assure you that it was beautiful.

Amazing New Revelation for my younger siblings

I woke up this morning after Dad had left for work. Mom's out of town, but the kids are supposed to do school anyway. So here's the revelation: You're supposed to do school anyway. Here I am meandering about and the kids are e-mailing friends, watching TV, playing with blocks, etc. It drives me nuts. I'm assuming that I'm in charge of making the siblings do their work since I'm the oldest responsible adult in the house. (besides Alexie, but she doesn't count.) Here are two typical meetings.

Act I, scene II
Setting is bonus room. Emily is watching Blue's Clues or some other infantile show of the like. She's probably watching the creepy show "Blue's house" where Blue talks and she has a new creepy sidekick/friend/white dog with green spots and a high nasal voice. Now I know why dogs don't talk. Connor is standing near the bonus room door holding his mathbook and completely entranced by the screen even though what he's watching him could not possibly interest him unless he had school to do.

Duncan: Connor. *Connor convulses suddenly as if he has been shocked with 1,000,000 volts.*

Connor: Uh... *Tries to leave the room through the door I am currently standing in. I grab his forehead and tilt his head back and gaze deep into his eyes.*

Duncan: Do your school.

Connor: Yes. *Runs away really fast to go stare at some other screen, like Luke's computer monitor. By the way, Luke is not doing his handwriting*

Act I, Scene II
Someone gets married, probably Heather.

Act I, Scene III
Someone dies, probably Douglas. Heather is torn, so she sings opera.

Act II, Scene IV
Duncan walks into the parents' room, the only room with computers connected to the Internet. There is Andrew typing away at the computer, e-mailing back and forth with people.

Duncan: Who are you talking to? Laura? Jacob?

Andrew: No, Matthew.

Duncan: What? Why?

Andrew: Jacob's not available.

Duncan: Maybe he's doing more important things like schoolwork.

Andrew: .........................

Duncan: *Ellipses are supposed to only have three dots* Well, how about you stop talking and go do your school?

Andrew: O.K. *Keeps typing*

Duncan: *Grabs keyboard* Don't worry, I'll wrap things up.

Andrew: *Grabs keyboard back* Just let me finish this up!

Duncan: How long?

Andrew: *Keeps typing* .............................

Duncan: Three minutes?

Andrew: Four.

Duncan: Three and a half.

Andrew: Fine.

Act I, Scene V
Four and a half minutes have passed since Act I, Scene IV.
Duncan: Andrew! GET OFF!

Andrew types something like "goodbye, hugs and kisses forever, love love, ha ha, I will never forget you, not even my flesh has been stripped from my bones, XXXOOO, Bie." Then exits hurriedly stage right.

Well, I've got to go. I have to adapt a scene from "Our Town" into a scene about a bunch of Indians. (Don't ask.) Bie.

The true answer is elusive yet.

Last night, I think I figured out what to call Douglas: Heather's One True Love.

This annoying dilemma stems from the fact that Heather flat refuses to let us use the word boyfriend. When I find my soulmate, I'm going to call them my 'girlfriend' even if we're courting. So there.

No other word even closely describes the relationship. "Friend," "Acquaintance," and "Penpal" are all too informal and non-specific. "Fiancee" and "Future Husband" are too forward. "The person that Heather is currently in a relationship with" is currently what we call him although it is far too wordy for my tastes. (Not only that but it ends with a preposition which is always wrong.)

Now I know you are all thinking "One True Love" sounds really corny and stupid, but hey, Heather is a corny and stupid person, right? (Kidding, kidding.) I stumbled upon it after undergoing this train of thought: "Main guy?" No, too mafia and implies that there are multiple when in reality the opposite is true. "Monogamous partner?" No, too scientific. Ah. "One True Love." Perfect.

Of course, five seconds ago I used the word "soulmate." Maybe we can go with that one instead. That one's pretty awesome. I think I'll make a poll.