Walk for Life!

Today was the Walk for Life. Woo hoo! And guess what? It wasn't cancelled for rain! In fact, it didn't begin raining until after the Walk for Life ended. It was overcast during the walk, but it only started raining when the last people to leave (us) slammed their car door and began to drive away. Neat, right? This year the McPhersons walked away with four door prizes, because there were a ton. I think most people thought it would be cancelled and didn't show up so the door prize to person ratio was all messed up. Anyway, Grace got two pocketknives, Emily got a watch battery, Connor got bread, and I got a box of make-up. Yes, make-up. I traded the entire box for one of Grace's pocketknives. She's a wheeler-dealer, that one. Now she has a knife AND a box of make-up. She made out like a bandit. Oh yeah, don't ask me what Emily is going to do with a watch battery since she doesn't even have a watch let alone a watch that is low on power.

Wake-up call

"Breakfast time, guys," said Andrew, slamming open the door.

"Alright, Alright. I'm up," I said, because all my brothers have a tendency to repeat themselves if they think I haven't heard them.

"Oh, not you Duncan. You can sleep," Andrew said. That made me pretty suspicious, but I shrugged if off thinking, if Mom gets mad at me I can always tell her that Andrew told me I could sleep in.

Twenty minutes later, Connor and Luke slammed open the door, clapping their hands with every step they took, and then staging an extremely loud pseudo-conversation. In between stomps on their faces, they managed to spit out that they had wanted to wake me up. (I had assumed as much FYI, and I'm just kidding about the stomping part, I just glowered at them.)

Now, I have no idea why Andrew wanted me to sleep and the kids wanted me awake, and why the kids thought it would be better to wake me in an obnoxious manner than just saying "Hey Duncan, it's time to get up." Even if they weren't sent by Mom to wake me up, they could say they were and I would be too tired to know the difference. So it was a very poorly executed plan.

P.S. Upon arriving downstairs Andrew said and I quote, "*gaaaasp* He Liiiiives!" These pieces are not falling into place.

What's for dinner?

So I was chilling at my computer and celebrating my new breakthrough, having discovered that I was multiplying my variable by -1 instead of 0, when Luke barged in and yelled "Hey everybody! It's time for dinner!"

"What's for dinner?" Connor asked, peeling himself away from his computer.

"Chips and salsa!" Luke said, his eyes alight.

"And cheese!" yelled Emily as she hopped in.

"With a side of Mexican Casserole, I presume?" I asked, since I am as sarcastic and unrelatable as Artemis Fowl.

"Exactly!" Luke said, bounding out again to go tell someone else the good news.

Luke and his Death Threats

(By which I mean Luke M____, of course.)

Today I was sitting at my computer as Luke and Connor played some game on the table in the middle of the room. For purposes of convenience, I'll pretend it was chess.

Connor: Oooh! I could take your pawn with my bishop!

Luke: Connor! If you do that I'll kill you!

Duncan: *mild indignation* Luke! Don't say you'll kill your brother! Especially over something so petty!

Luke: Oh, alright.

They continue playing...

Connor: Oooh! I could take your rook with my knight!

Luke: If you do that I'll kill you!

Duncan: *Hey. Deja vu* Luke!! I told you not to say that!

Luke: Oh, alright.

He repeats this a couple of times followed by me scolding him.

Connor: Oooh! I could take your queen with my rook!

Luke: If you do that I- I- *looks at me* I'll kill myself!

Duncan: *What the heck?* Luke!!!

These threats are completely meaningless, of course, but it is distressing that Luke uses these kind of threats in the first place.

Amazing New Revelation for my younger siblings

I woke up this morning after Dad had left for work. Mom's out of town, but the kids are supposed to do school anyway. So here's the revelation: You're supposed to do school anyway. Here I am meandering about and the kids are e-mailing friends, watching TV, playing with blocks, etc. It drives me nuts. I'm assuming that I'm in charge of making the siblings do their work since I'm the oldest responsible adult in the house. (besides Alexie, but she doesn't count.) Here are two typical meetings.

Act I, scene II
Setting is bonus room. Emily is watching Blue's Clues or some other infantile show of the like. She's probably watching the creepy show "Blue's house" where Blue talks and she has a new creepy sidekick/friend/white dog with green spots and a high nasal voice. Now I know why dogs don't talk. Connor is standing near the bonus room door holding his mathbook and completely entranced by the screen even though what he's watching him could not possibly interest him unless he had school to do.

Duncan: Connor. *Connor convulses suddenly as if he has been shocked with 1,000,000 volts.*

Connor: Uh... *Tries to leave the room through the door I am currently standing in. I grab his forehead and tilt his head back and gaze deep into his eyes.*

Duncan: Do your school.

Connor: Yes. *Runs away really fast to go stare at some other screen, like Luke's computer monitor. By the way, Luke is not doing his handwriting*

Act I, Scene II
Someone gets married, probably Heather.

Act I, Scene III
Someone dies, probably Douglas. Heather is torn, so she sings opera.

Act II, Scene IV
Duncan walks into the parents' room, the only room with computers connected to the Internet. There is Andrew typing away at the computer, e-mailing back and forth with people.

Duncan: Who are you talking to? Laura? Jacob?

Andrew: No, Matthew.

Duncan: What? Why?

Andrew: Jacob's not available.

Duncan: Maybe he's doing more important things like schoolwork.

Andrew: .........................

Duncan: *Ellipses are supposed to only have three dots* Well, how about you stop talking and go do your school?

Andrew: O.K. *Keeps typing*

Duncan: *Grabs keyboard* Don't worry, I'll wrap things up.

Andrew: *Grabs keyboard back* Just let me finish this up!

Duncan: How long?

Andrew: *Keeps typing* .............................

Duncan: Three minutes?

Andrew: Four.

Duncan: Three and a half.

Andrew: Fine.

Act I, Scene V
Four and a half minutes have passed since Act I, Scene IV.
Duncan: Andrew! GET OFF!

Andrew types something like "goodbye, hugs and kisses forever, love love, ha ha, I will never forget you, not even my flesh has been stripped from my bones, XXXOOO, Bie." Then exits hurriedly stage right.

Well, I've got to go. I have to adapt a scene from "Our Town" into a scene about a bunch of Indians. (Don't ask.) Bie.

Why is it that siblings are so unhelpful?

I bet we have all heard our parents complain about how hard it is to get children to work, right? I TOLD Duncan at least a BAZILLION times to clean that table and he still hasn't moved. Well, they have no idea how hard it is to motivate siblings.

For Example:
I recently told Luke and Connor that they could play on my computer all they wanted in exchange for helping me clean dinner. Andrew and David got pretty steamed that I was "manipulating my brothers." So what did they do? Well, Andrew just whined. He's harmless. David let Connor and Luke play on his computer all they wanted for free.

I bet you're thinking: Well that proves that he loves his brothers and doesn't want them to be taken advantage of, right? Listen, if someone truly wanted to be selfless, they wouldn't take away workers from their bosses for the sake of the workers, they would take the place of the workers for the sake of both the bosses and the workers. Think Jesus.


The reason I bring this up is because yesterday I asked my siblings a thousand times to help me find "Our Town." To her credit, Grace helped. In the end, I gave up on my siblings and had Dad drive me back and forth between the library TWICE. (The first time was a failure because no one would help me find a working library card. I had to go back to get a Photo ID to renew a library card.)

In the end, guess where it was hidden. You guessed it, on a bookshelf. On Lexie's bookshelf to be exact. This morning when she was gathering her books for school she found it and handed it to me. She said she thought I had already looked there. (I had but I had only done a cursory scan.) In short, if Lexie had just looked a little bit when I asked her to help me search, I could have saved mountains of time.

Remember parents, when you get tired of children doing nothing to help you, you just threaten corporal punishment. Siblings also threaten corporal punishment but it only motivates the siblings to move closer to parents. You think you have it hard, try being a sibling.

Honor Matches

It finally happened: someone cheated on super program. Two little boys put down two matches that they didn't actually fight. I asked the boys themselves two questions: Did you really fight these and who directed? The answer was predictable: They were "honor matches."

They both claimed to have beaten my younger brother. I had been directing Connor's (my brother) matches and when I went to the computer I saw two matches that I knew Connor hadn't fought. I asked Connor about it and he said he never fought those matches. It's really annoying because I can program all day but I can't make a program that senses lies. It really is dependent on honesty.

I can't think of a tactful way to break it to them that they can't lie. I've never been one for tact. I'm going to have to talk to Heather about this.