Bomb Threat

Today there was a bomb threat on campus directed at the EMCS. I had gotten myself psyched up about a Physics test for nothing. I hope it really is cancelled because otherwise I'm skipping it and I've led many of my classmates who asked me if class was cancelled astray.

That brings me to my second point. The only thing creepier than the fact that the EMCS gets bomb threats is the fact that the entire class knows my name. Some blond chick I didn't know from Adam shouted "Duncan! Don't go in there! There's a bomb threat!" Apparently she's in my Physics class.

Then while sitting under a tree another blond chick came up and asked me whether I had talked to Bob Marlowe about whether class was still on. (Yes, people probably assume that because I speak in class the teacher and I are best buds.) I told her that I hadn't spoken to Dr. Marlowe but that he would probably not blame her for not attending class during a bomb threat.

Lastly I was walking along the street to the UC when another chick (brunette this time) asked whether I had heard about the bomb threat. I told her I had and that class was cancelled. The freaky thing is that every single one of these girls addressed me by first name and I, even though I've now spoken to all of them, still don't know their names.

Even stranger is that everyone in the first and second rows know my name and address me by first name for questions even though the only thing I know about them is where they sit! Weirder still is that the guy directly behind me (who might or might not be named Rob) refers to me as "Big D" like Matthew. I must have given my name out at some point during Physics... hmm.

Well, this post was labeled "bomb threat" but it was actually about my Physics class. Improperly named posts should be outlawed.

Phyyyyyysics...

Today, I prepared for tomorrow's Physics test with five hours of Physics problems. By the end of it I was nearly cross-eyed. One of my problems with excessive studying is that I begin to interpret everything in the terms of that subject. Every time I look around I see impulses, momentums, rotational movements, accelerations (centripetal, translational and tangential), etc. etc. I can't stop thinking about Physics. I keep wondering if I jump up will I be going the same speed when I land as when I jump? If so, how far could I jump? How long would it take me? What if I added in some rotation!? AAAGH!

I hope this means I'll get a high grade on tommorrow's test. Otherwise I will feel royally ripped off.

Class Schedule is Up!

Finally! The day you've all been waiting for! The day when the classes offered in Spring '10 at UTC are announced! Hurrah! I've gone ahead and made two potential battle plans. When I showed them to Andrew he said that I didn't need to choose immediately, that I could wait until Mom comes home. Shows what he knows. Ha. Here are the plans with the classes listed in the order that I take them on that day.

Plan 1:
MWF: (starting at 8:00) Scientific Writing, Microbiology, Latin. Microbio lab on Monday, Physics lab on Wednesday.
TT: (starting at 12:00) Physics, Western Civ

Plan 2:
MWF: (starting at 8:00) Anatomy, Scientific Writing, Latin. Physics Lab on Wednesday
TT: (starting at 8:00) Western Civ, Physics. Anatomy Lab on Tuesday.

Both plans clock in at seventeen hours.

Physics!

The first thing I find striking about Physics is how convenient it is. We all know how you can drop a watermelon and a ping-pong ball and they will hit the ground at the same time. Well today's homework has an extra-credit question about a marble rolling down a slope and a cube sliding down the same slope. It is amazing how closely tied rotational motion and translational motion were. As it was it the mass, the velocities, the height of the slope, the slope of the slope, the radius of the marble, the radius of the cube, etc. were all irrelevant. The ratio of the velocities at the bottom of the ramp as long as they were dropped from rest at the same height would never vary.

The second thing I find striking about Physics is how inconvenient it is. You can't use it for any practical purpose. Sure I could find the force exerted on the keyboard by my fingers, but would it really matter? The force exerted by a basketball on a court? Even if I knew how much force I had to put behind a basketball to make it arc with the proper displacement and angle into the net, would my mind even know what I was saying? Push the ball at 150 N at an angle 36.5 degrees above the lateral. Useless!

Easy to solve, impossible to use: Physics!

Bah, Rain.

Last night was the second time in a row that flag football has been canceled for rain. It is starting to become very problematic! I haven't even played one game yet because the only game that wasn't canceled started at 10:00 pm. I don't think my parents/drivers are as bummed about the run of cancellations as I am, however. Hm.

Rape Aggression Defense Class

When I first read the UTC e-mail announcing that this class would be available, my eyes got shiny and I thought to myself "boy oh boy! I would love to do this!" Then I read the byword "FEMALES ONLY!" Bah. Self-defense is so cool. Now I have to figure out a way to sneak into this class. Here are all my possible routes:

1. Dress in drag
2. Set up a camera and film this class
3. Show up day of and see if they'll let me in
4. Write an e-mail and see if they would let a guy participate anyway
5. Build a female robot
6. Pretend I'm a transsexual and decry the sexism of not letting me participate

I'll let you guys vote. Of course, Phantom Thief Duncan has already broken into the ARC (where it is being held) once before... hm hm hm.

The Cake was a Lie

Psych. I'm not actually playing flag football tonight. I thought I was when I wrote the last post but then I checked my e-mail and found out that it was cancelled. The only four-letter word strong enough to describe this situation is Cake.

FIRST GA-A-A-A-A-AME!

Tonight is the Amazing Duncan's Super Uber Duper Debut of Fantastical Flag Footballness. Last year I signed up for the flag football team on the most random of whims but I never went to a single game because my drivers lacked motivation. They still lack motivation but now I am focused! Of course during the practices I've had trouble reaching the quarterback in time to stop him from throwing the ball. Carl is just being nice when he says all that stuff about fencing reflexes. It is a literary device better known as "gross exaggeration." To be blunt, our team will probably be killed out there but we will never give up! We will never surrender! Fight RUFfians! (Disclaimer: RUFfians is not the actual team name but it should be. When I find out what our name actally is I'll tell you.)

Subjective Truth vs. Subjective Value

Recently our Economics Professor, Dr. Giffin was talking about why demand curves are always negative and in so doing explained utilitarian philosophy of "utils." Utils are units of happiness caused by something. For example a coke might give me five utils and wrapping my brother in a blanket and dangling him over a chin-up bar might give me 100 utils. However, he said something very interesting: That truth was subjective because people derive different amounts of utils from different activities. Of course, this statement is not true at all. I was just thinking about it this morning in this light:

Yesterday Mom said it would be OK if I went on to Netflix and streamed shows that I wanted to see. Naturally I took advantage of this generous offer and began streaming a show. The show was "Heroes." While taking a break so that someone else could use the computer (The computer is very highly demanded which is why I'm not using it now.) I ate some snack with Alexie. Alexie asked me why I was watching "Heroes" because according to all her research the show was lame and not worth watching. So is "Heroes" lame or not lame? Subjective truth!? No! It is objectively true that Alexie derives -100 utils from watching this show but it is equally true that I derive +100 utils from watching this show. My enjoyment of a show is not subjective. It won't change even if my sister can't believe it. Pleasure is just as objective as all other truths. The only thing that is subjective is the value that people place on objects, not the truth about the object or the truth about the values.

Organization

Ha ha ha. There are so many things in this world to organize! Entropy really is increasing! Trying to contact Megan to ask her if she'll help with the AAA banquet so that Molly (AAA intern) will know how many people are coming has been really tough. I haven't seen Megan face to face since Friday. (Except for a short stint before my Political Science class but I was in such a rush I forgot to mention it.) Also, the UTC people denied my claim to a room for the Vintage Dance Club because no such club exists. Grumble. I'm going to have to fix this. Right now I have so many notes on my arm it is starting to look like I was involved in a very painful typewriter accident.

The Problem with Jokes in Poor Taste

Hoorah! Ann Coulter came to our campus and talked!!! It was fully awesome. But! There was a problem. When I was driving home Alexie asked me what she talked about.

"Gah! I don't know," I replied, "Just Democrats, really." Ann Coulter was supposedly talking about the state of the nation, but with Democrats controlling the government, Democrats are the state of the nation.

"That sounds really boring," Lexie said.

"Ooh! But there were a lot of really funny jokes!" I said.

"Hm?"

"Well, there was one about how David Letterman subjugates his employees into sex items!"

"That is not funny."

"Well, no it's not. But I laughed!"

There's the problem with Jokes in Poor Taste. (I capitalize random things like C.S. Lewis does.) If you weren't there, it isn't funny. TBQH, I really shouldn't laugh at those jokes anyway.

Yam Kippur (At least, that's how I think you spell it)

Today, my Physics teacher was noticeably absent. He was replaced by a lady who sounded Russian, but could have been from anywhere from the Soviet Union. My old Physics teacher being a Jew, I am naturally suspicious when he goes missing and the only person's word I have that he is safe is his Russian substitute, but nevermind. Anyway, she isn't a very good teacher. I hardly understood a thing she said. It was kind of cool when she said "Very good," in her Russian accent but other than that the class was a bust. There were several people who walked out half way through (which was ironic because I was talking about people walking out of class at lunch that morning.) Anyways, happy Yam Kippur, or however it is you spell it.

Slave of Justice

Yes, that's me. The new parking ticket appeals person. My new boss is named "Brittany Justice" which is kind of ironic and kind of creepy, no? So here are some tips of what not to do when appealing a parking ticket: (Alright! Now I'm John Tash!)

1. Don't say "I'm a new student and didn't know the parking regulations." Ignorance is no excuse. We denied many appeals with that weak excuse.

2. "I saw other people doing it so I figured it was OK." If it is a college student doing it, it is always a bad idea. Don't copy them. We got this excuse a lot too.

3. "I didn't see a sign/I couldn't see any white lines." Alright people, you've just been fined for parking in an unmarked space and you have the gall to say it wasn't marked well enough!? The reason it is an unmarked space is because it isn't marked! And the reason you couldn't see any white lines was because there weren't any! Duh!

So now you know. If you are ever misparked on campus you will have to taste my iron fist. I am now a slave of Justice!

Flu Shots

Just the other day, Grace had to go get a flu shot to keep from getting the French Flu when she goes to Paris. I guess all the frenchies are swine or something, who knows? Anyways she was absolutely terrified, and predictably she overreacted and said that she didn't want to go to Paris anymore because she hated learning French and getting shots.

How learning French was brought into it, I don't know, but by now Grace should be smart enough to realize that even if she wasn't going to France she'd be learning French.

But, being the theologically minded guy that I am, I thought to myself that Grace's hyperventilation is exactly what we sound like to God when we start speculating about heaven. You know when you start to ask how you could possibly enjoy heaven if we didn't have our unchristian friends and families with us or if we were in stasis? (reference to an UTC professor whose lecture Lexie had to endure since she takes humanities.)

I mean, the answer is "Just chill. Paris' going to be great and there is no use saying that you don't want to go just because it doesn't sound perfect. You'll love it, I assure you." Same goes for Heaven. Just think of self-sacrifice as a Heaven Shot.

Stern Letter

Alright, this is the last straw. When I asked Lexie what she was doing what she was doing with the Latin people before lunch she answered, "Oh, we were preparing our skit for Latin." Hey! I don't do skits in Latin class! I feel ripped off! I have sent Dr. Davies a VERY STERN LETTER politely asking him why our class doesn't do any of the fun things Lexie's class is doing. We'll see what comes of this...

5:00 Blog Post

The trouble with having to wake up early to go help Angel Food is that you have to get up at 5:00. I was having a fairly pleasant dream when my alarm rang. I quickly sat up and hit the snooze button. At about 5:05 I realized that sitting there staring at the clock and wishing I could go back to sleep would not help me at all so I hopped up and came down. Then I realized there were 30 minutes until I actually had to leave and the parents were out of town. So, logical conclusion: Make a blog post. There's not much to blog about at the moment since my brain is still alternating between off and on, so I decided to blog about why I blogged. Pretty boring.

Picture Day

Today is picture day for the McPherson's. We're going to go take a family portrait somewhere. Hopefully it will replace that picture in the living room that has become somewhat outdated (est. 5 years.) I mean, it's great that I didn't have a single family picture of me during my angsty ugly teenage years, but it is kind of distressing that the newest family portrait of me has me when I'm twelve years old. I mean, I've even changed my hair since then! (This is saying something, really. Boys only change their hairstyle once every twelve years or so. I combed my hair forward every day for thirteen and some years, and then it became too rowdy so I began combing it backward every day. I have Mom's word for it that it helps.) Anyways, hopefully I won't be slanted, blinking, grinning like the joker, have my eyes as wide as deer in the headlights, look dumb, blah, blah, blah. It always falls out that two or three children are sacrificed for the good of the picture. (Meaning: We let them look dumb because the baby was smiling. Although, without a baby...) I just hope it isn't me.

OH NO SCHOOLWORK!

Grumble. It appears that everything has gotten harder. My Physics class is still a breeze, but my Physics Lab is killing me. I got my first paper back and it was an F!!! I know what you're all thinking: Wait a minute! Duncan is way too smart to get an F! I thought so too. Apparently I was wrong. What happened was I summarized our experiment it when he said to analyze it. There were three "discussion questions" he wanted answered which I totally overlooked. Minus 10! Minus 10! Minus 10! Minus 10 for some other stuff! etc! etc! etc! AAAAH!

Anyways, I am allowed to drop my lowest lab grade. This will DEFINITELY be it. I'm going to make A's on everything else.

This dropping a grade has really helped me in past semesters. There was one time that I totally spaced and showed up to lab an hour late. Ugh.

The results are in!

The results for the happy birthday poem contest of all time/September 09 are in! And it was A COMPLETE UPSET VICTORY!! Here's first place:

Torchics are red
Mudkips are sexy
Happy birthday to
David and Lexie
--Duncan McPherson

And the judges decided that this haiku deserved an honorable mention:

MUDKIP MUDKIP MUD
KIP MUDKIP MUDKIP MUDKIP
WE WANT MOAR MUDKIPS
--Luke McPherson

Conflicting messages

Yesterday we had a really good sermon at our church on 1 Samuel 16. I think it was 16, anyway. It was the chapter where David is anointed. Anyways, the main idea of the sermon was that 1 Samuel was not a self-help manual. If you are asking the question "Am I a David person or a Saul person?" you are asking the wrong question. God's plan is bigger than you. It's for you, but it's not about you and it fortunately does not depend on you. 1 Samuel points more to the king we need rather than the people we should be. Really good sermon. Agreed completely. Anyways, my kid brother got back from Sunday School and naturally our parents asked him what he learned in Sunday School. Andrew said that his teacher wanted the class to find something in David to emulate every week. (Although in 1 Samuel 16 the only traits of David that are shown were that he was ruddy and handsome.) Wait a minute! Wasn't that the question our pastor told us not to ask? And this was Senior High Sunday School! I think this was probably due to a communication failure between the pastor and the youth pastor. It'll probably be cleared up by next week. Hopefully.

Bible Bee is DONE~!

Ta-da! Bible bee is finally finished. I jammed through the written test and pretty much skipped the oral segment. I had to pass on every single verse because I hadn't studied them. Anyway this is neat: If you count up the number of verses I had memorized and the number of verses there were and then factor in the number of verses on the test, there was only a 47.2% chance that I would know at least one of the verses on the test. Pretty low odds. Anyways, it means I'm probably not going to nationals but WHATEVER!! At least I don't have to study any more. Phew. Although studying bible verses has been so much fun that I've been thinking of learning bible verses in a freelance manner now. Of course, with my motivational drive powers, I doubt it will ever amount to anything.

Corpora

Today I had a Latin quiz. Dr. Davies told us about it via email last night, so it wasn't a pop quiz, though I had no idea it was coming. Anyway, I got all the answers right except one: What is the accusative plural of the latin word for "body." Since it was third declension I ran through it in my mind and got "Corpores," but that isn't right because it's a neuter word and therefore its nominative and accusative plural are "Corpora." Got that? Good. Anyways, it means I no longer have an 100% in Latin. Boo boo schmoo boo.

Birthday Blues

Boo hoo. None of my friends remora'd their way to my brother's birthday party. I am so sad. So I got them back by listening to their moms talk about them behind their back. Ha ha ha! There's some motivation for you: If you don't show up, I'm going to sit with your moms and listen to embarassing childhood anecdotes! That'll teach you not to go to classes when you could be spending time with me!

P.S. He he. Just kidding. I understand how much more important classes are than friendship.

Ode to David

Today is David's birthday! Hooray for David! This calls for a song! This calls for poetry! This calls for dancing! This calls for a party! This is the most fantastic day of this half of the week! (The most fantastic day of the week was Lexie's birthday. Sorry David. Better luck next year. Maybe your birthdays won't be so close.)

Anyways, so now begins the poetry contest. Write a poem about how great David is (or if you can't think of any admirable traits for David, you can write it about Lexie since her birthday was earlier this week. Even better yet, write one about mudkips.)

So here's the winning entry:

David is awesome!
He's swinging and hip!
He's rad, sweet, and cherry,
and cool as Mudkip!

--Duncan McP.

Judging will begin sometime next week.

Yes/100

Yesterday I got my Political Science test back. I had to answer five essay questions of varying lengths and point amounts. When I got it back it said "A" on the top and had a checkmark next to each essay. So on the first essay, out of fifty possible points I got "check" and then on my next essay worth 40 points I got a "check" and on the 30 pointer, and on the 20 pointer, and the ten pointer, and the two extra credit 20 pointers, check, check, check, check, check. So after he summed up all the 'checks' the total came to A/100 possible points. Makes sense I guess.

P.S. The guy next to me complained about not knowing how many checks he could afford not to get on the next test. This made me realize that the only reason you would need to know your score was if you were planning to fail the next test.

Nausea-induced starvation

I've always wondered why Ariel always refuses to take the food I offer her, even though it was always free and I'm only giving it to her because I selfishly took too much and can't eat it. Well I finally figured it out. Yesterday, Dad took me aside when I was at home massaging my aching legs and said "Hey Duncan. I didn't want to say anything, but your table manners are disgusting. Your mouth was open as you chewed. It made me feel sick."

So now I figured out why my friends don't eat while I'm eating. They feel ill. Now I'm going to have to do some actual work and fix these sordid table manners of mine. Grumble grumble grumble. Otherwise, my friends might die of low blood sugar caused by nausea-induced starvation.

Plant Army

If all the plants of the world decided to rebel against the establishment and overthrow the animals, the movement would be centered in our yard. We have the meanest and cruelest plants under the heavens, although we keep them for the most part under check.

Like our Morning Glories. Every fall we take them off our mailbox and discover that the plants have yet again snapped the mailbox off of its post. The only reason it stayed up all summer was because the plants were so thick that they were holding it there.

And Dad expressed worries about whether our daisies would survive in their new habitat. Well, I won't be surprised if by Friday those daisies have replaced all living organisms in the area. They multipy like rabbits. Soon, Choices will be manned by daisies. It will be seriously scary.

Replay Value

Isn't it amazing how quickly games lose their replay value? Like Quelf. It is amazing how many times cards you saw last game pop up. I think Quelf just printed three cards a thousand times to make it look like they were selling you a full deck of embarrassing things to watch your friends do. What a bunch of sneaks. Also, I can't play cranium without seeing the same cards over and over. I can recall figuring out "March of the Penguins" as soon as the person who was about to start acting it out lowered their head. It's troublesome. Albeit, I could get up on pop culture and then all the cards we skip could be used but... too much trouble...

Anyways, the way we fix Cranium is that we pick a topic and then write our own cards. Since we've played Cranium so much we have a very firm handle on what type of words are used. When I was playing Quelf and thinking how absolutely bizarre the cards were, I figured we could do the same thing there. It would be fun to write Quelf cards. Heh heh.

Ann Coulter is SELLING OUT!

All right, so admittedly Ann Coulter can't sell out because it is a free event, but just this morning I got an UTC-MEMO stating that because interest has been booming, they need people to send in an e-mail stating that they will be there. One e-mail per person so that the secretary can just count the e-mails or something. If you are going, make sure to send in your e-mail to sarah-gard@utc.edu!

Strength

Alright, confession time. I'm no good at fencing. My form is awful, my point control is garbage, my footwork is sloppy, I'm not really fast, my power is low, though I am agressive (which isn't really a strength in all honesty), my reflexes are pretty poor, my disengages are too wide, my feints are too obvious, I never fully extend my arm, not to mention how often I pull it back, my back foot always comes up when I lunge, my hand still instinctively covers target area, otherwise I let it hang by my side like a dead animal, I hunch over while I fence, I lean in to my attacks making me totally vulnerable, but not quite as vulnerable I am when I jump, which I do with lots of regularity because I am stupid, I lose my balance when I attack and just barely manage to catch myself, I lose focus as the duel progresses, I am neither gifted nor hard-working, I don't exercise or practice often, in total I only fence an average of two hours a week.

I do have one strength however! Winning. For some inexplicable reason I win a lot. I think the reason is because I don't do what people expect me to do (which pretty much sums up my life.) In short, I don't do the right thing, therefore I win. It's a pretty sweet deal. In actuality, when the rubber hits the road, I don't really care whether I'm a good fencer or not. I only re-started fencing so I could see my friends often and I don't really have any desire to excel competitively. It would eat up my time, my life, and my money, all of which I value more than excelling in competitive fencing. As long as I have enough skill to enjoy it, I'm content.

Garlic Breath!

Today, I dined with Methodists with a bunch of my friends. I actually received an e-mail from Megan that told me that they would NOT meet at the Methodist center. Fortunately, I ignored it. I met them at the door. Well, the Methodists gave us some yummy lasagna that I ate a whole lot of (Ariel couldn't finish hers, ha.) and garlic bread that left you tasting garlic for the rest of the day.

Fortunately, this did not stop me from being a complete GENIUS in Physics class. I did the first quiz and got a 15/10 for a score. And he handed me back the extra credit today. I was the ONLY PERSON who actually did it. So my scores are through the roof in Physics. And I haven't even had my first test yet. Hooray!

First Test

Oh boy, oh boy. First test of the season is tonight. I get to show my wowwy dowwy pizzazz know how of politics to the world. He's told us what two of the huge essay questions will be. See how hard you think they are:

1) Explain how the Declaration of Independence was cribbed off of John Locke.

2) Is America a Republic or a Democracy? Explain the differences.

Well, luckily I said "rabbit rabbit" first thing this morning, so luck will be on my side. Yay!

High Praise

Today my Physics teacher payed me a compliment in class. It was great. Being full of Physics right now, I can't remember the exact wording, but it was something to this effect:

Physics Teacher: So who can tell me what the average velocity is?

Duncan: Well, it's right there.

Red-head kid in the first row: No, that's the initial velocity.

Duncan: Same thing. If the acceleration is 0, the velocity doesn't change.

Physics Teacher: Exactly! And if the velocity doesn't change, does that mean the initial velocity is equal to the average velocity?

Duncan: Well, yes.

Physics Teacher: A~ha! I see that at least someone knows what they are doing!

So there it was. The most back-handed-insult-to-everyone-else compliment I've ever been paid. It made me glow with the satisfaction of being the only person to avoid being insulted.

P.S. Don't worry about the old ego. I followed up this glorious act by getting the next question wrong.

Facts vs. Facts

Alright, I finally figured out what Dr. Giffin did that so irked me in his facts explanation: He used the word "facts" as "statements" instead of "truth."

Before his explanation he explained that facts were scientific pieces of data. Therefore, anyone listening very closely would understand what he meant. Unfortunately, I think most students in the class wrote down "facts are relative" or something of that ilk and left it at that. Unfortunately, the common connotation of facts is not "statements." For example:

Person 1: The sun goes around the earth.

Person 2: Is that a fact?

Person 1: Yes, but it isn't true.

As you see, this conversation wouldn't happen in most instances. Everyone understands and accepts that facts are generally truth to the extent that we can use them interchangably. In short, using words in their most literal meaning is often confusing and misleading.

Roman Slavery

Today I learned about the Romans and how they treat their slaves in two different classes, Latin and Economics.

First, Dr. Davies explained to us how humane the Romans were to their slaves. That slaves were often considered part of the family. That Romans often freed their slaves in their wills. The slaves weren't just forced to do hard labor like in America. Slaves filled all economic positions. And that the reason that slaves were called "servus" which is similar to the verb "servare" to save is that the Romans thought that they saved the people they enslaved because otherwise the Romans would have killed them. Thank you for small favors.

Next hour, Dr. Giffin explained to us how in the Roman Empire the slaves were brutally forced to do all the work, that economics hardly existed at all because the empire was too wrapped up in war to think of trade, that slaves weren't given any rights at all and that you could kill them if you felt like it. Slaves filled all economic positions. (Which you'll notice Dr. Davies also said last paragraph, but Dr. Davies made it sound like the Romans were doing them a favor.)

Therefore you can see that everything you learn on campus is highly skeptical and shouldn't be taken on face value. Or as Dr. Giffin himself says, "Just because it is a fact, doesn't mean it is necessarily true."

Next Pro-Life Club Meeting

Alright, so admittedly the club was not an instant-hit-type smashing success story. We had two people show up including myself. Bryan B. and I pretty much only went over what we could do to get more members. Anyways, that doesn't mean that I'm going to take this sitting down. I pledged our help to Choices and I'll be darned if I don't keep my word, even if I have to track down every RA myself and mulch their yard alone and bus tables at the AAA banquet solo. Hopefully, more members will join before a few of these dates.

Anyways, for anyone I've already mentioned this to, the next meeting is on Monday, but not this Monday. It is the next Monday, i.e. 10 days from now. I don't know what room yet, because I haven't booked it yet.

Appalachia

That's the broad topic of my research paper. My English professor assigned it to the class. He said we could write on anything as long as it was from Appalachia. The first thing I did when I got home was look up "Appalachia." (Yeah, pretty lame not knowing what Appalachia was.) It turned out it was the area from Southern Pennsylvania to Northern Georgia. I've decided to narrow down my topic to "UTC's risk for Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever." It was going to be Lyme disease, but then I figured that since Lyme was in Connecticut, it didn't count as Appalachia. I bet you are all thinking "Wait! The Rocky Mountains aren't in Appalachia either!" Well that would be true. They moved. Ha. Not really, though. After all, the number one state for RMSF is North Carolina, which is in Appalachia (sort of, by a stretch of reality anyway.)

Pro-life club meeting

Alright! The pro-life club meeting is tonight! Yay! I'm the temporary stand-in president until tonight so I was the one who organized it, meaning if we can't get into the Riverbend Room tonight, that would be my fault. We'll probably meet just outside the room or use my elite powers of doing illegal stuff to use some other room that's unlocked and unused. The reason it is on Thursday at 7:00 is to economize my drivers. I get Lexie to take me at 5:00 then she goes to her Classics club, sit around for a few hours, pro-life like crazy, and then go to RUF, whereupon someone will come pick me up, hopefully. Anyways, by doing every club activity on the same night, I don't have to worry about getting people to drive me.

P.S. The best strategy for attending clubs without a driver's license is to take a lab that starts at 4:00. When it finishes, all the ministries and clubs begin so you can stay an extra hour by telling your Mom the wrong endtime for your lab and have fun.

Andrew's Hat

I was sitting at my laptop when I heard a ruckus down the hall. Grace and her friend had stolen Andrew's hat and were running around trying to keep it away from him. Now, as Andrew said multiple times while pleading with them to give it back, (he could have caught up with them and beat them up pretty easily, but he didn't because he was a gentleman.) there was no reason for them to steal it. It has no value at all, it is the most putrid thing I've ever seen, and it would take them a week to get the smell of their hands. Well after a lot of noise Grace and her friend finally managed to rip it. It doesn't look much like a hat anymore. It looks more like a cootie catcher now. As Andrew mourned his hat, his one friend, his precious family heirloom, Grace's friend said, "Well, it wasn't a very important hat."

Physics

Our Physics class is using an online homework provider which is a real pain. For one thing it cost $70. Usually the service comes with a registration number on your textbook, but we got our Physics book used so it was useless. We got our Physics book used for $40 instead of $200 so we still got a pretty good deal.

Another annoying thing about the online provider is that you only have three tries to give the computer the exact answer that they want. Also, if you submit your answer it just says "WRONG." I like human teachers better because they say things like "Check your significant figures" or "Remember, the arrow is going THIS direction so the number is negative" or "See how it sits in the negative X axis? That means you have to add 90 degrees to get the REAL answer." When the computer says "WRONG" it could mean any of these things.

P.S. I haven't gotten any of the questions wrong. Yet. But the first thing our teacher did on Monday was give a little pre-lesson pep talk about not getting discouraged if you don't get all the questions right. Tis' an ill omen.

Ann Coulter

HEY GUYS! GUESS WHAT? ANN COULTER IS COMING TO UTC~!

So I opened my e-mail and there were a bunch of moronic UTC-MEMO's which I promptly selected in order to delete, but there sandwiched between "Job Offer Fair for Freshmen" and "Idiot Frat House Seeks Members" was "Ann Coulter comes to UTC to speak." BLAM-O! I instantly stopped deleting and began reading. Apparently the Women's Studies Dept. (Morons) have invited Ann Coulter to give a speech that will be "critiqued" by two of their professors. I can't wait to go! It's Oct. 5 and IT'S SO EXCITING I GET TO SEE ANN COULTER LIIIIIIIIIIIVE.

I'll probably leave after Ann Coulter stops talking and gives the podium to the idiot professors, but whatever.

P.S. For all you people who don't know what Ann Coulter wrote but probably do know who wrote "To Kill A Mockingbird," (I only found out today. I feel stoopid.) read some of my June posts about her AWESOME POSSUM books, "Godless" and "Guilty." The blog posts are named "Perpuated Falsehoods."

Angel Food Ministries

Just in case any of you ever feel like helping with this ministry or something, I'm going to break down my actions between the time I woke up and the time I got home.

5:00: Alarm rings, I hit the off button and sit up. If I hadn't sat up I would have gone back to sleep.
5:01: Cold shower causes my eyes to pop out of their head. At least I'm awake now.
5:20: Dad wakes up in order to wake me up. I'm already awake so he goes back to sleep.
5:30: I begin waiting outside to be picked up by our neighbor (Mr. H.) with the trailer that will be transporting the food from site A (Brainerd, really near the K___'s house.) to site B (Our church)
5:35: He arrives and apologizes. He went back to sleep after hitting the snooze button.
5:36: Mr. H buys me a bacon biscuit for breakfast. He eats his sausage biscuit while driving.
5:40: We pass the sign that says "Let's have Ice Cream after you paralyze us. (Is your friend driving recklessly? Go to www.speakuporelse.com)"
6:00: We arrive at the church where the Sunoco truck carrying the food from AFM is. No one else is there except the truck driver who is asleep.
6:05: Everyone else shows up.
6:05-7:00: We take food out of the Sunoco truck and put it into Mr. H's trailer. All the other churches take their food and put it into their trailers as well. I was given the job of carrying boxes of food from the front of the truck to the back of the truck for distribution.
7:00: We drive down Brainerd, through the McCallie tunnels, and past UTC in five minutes. Having no traffic really makes a big deal.
7:10: We arrive at our church and begin unloading Mr. H's trailer.
7:30: I ask Mr. E (other neighbor) if I can have a ride home with him later so I can stay and help distribute. Consent is given. I inform Mr. H that his services are no longer required.
7:30-9:00: I eat sausage biscuits and stare at a wall, listening to all the deacons who were helping talk about the meeting the night before that my parents were supposed to attend. They didn't miss much.
9:00: People begin arriving with empty boxes. Weeks before they had put in an order to AFM through our church. Now they come to collect all the food they'll need for the next month at a low low price. Smile. You're saving even more. I'm in charge of dropping three packages of different meats into each box as it passes me.
9:30: We pack up. I go home with Mr. E.

Typically chores at our house run from 8:00-9:00. Therefore if I had left after my job was done I would have gotten home as everyone started. Instead I got home well after they were finished.

What We Learned Today

Today, I've figured out something important, I would much rather work for charity than work for nothing. Today I helped out Angel Food Ministries, which is a very satisfying thing to do, helping the poor afford food and stuff. Anyone wanting to do so full time should get a job at Wal-Mart. Anyways, I helped unload the truck that delivered food to our church so we could sell it to people at a highly reduced cost. At that point I was supposed to go home with one of my neighbors who was also helping unload the truck, but instead I stayed because I noticed many of my other neighbors were there for the second part (distributing the food to the people who bought it) and I knew they could drive me home later.

Anyways, I greatly enjoyed staying. One reason I didn't want to go home would be that I was off from chores for helping with Angel Food. I'd still be off from chores even if I went home at the designated time (8:00), but if I went home at 8:00 then I would have to endure all my siblings shooting me nasty looks as they did my chores and I lounged on a sofa. Anyways, I discovered that volunteering my time for a ministry instead of doing menial grunt work is a trade-off I would make any time.

This will come in handy when I am a doctor and Obama expects me to work for nothing. He will pay me for the first few months of the year and stop when I reach my salary cap. Now I know what to do. I'll take an extended leave of absence from work and volunteer my time at a ministry that could use my medical abilities. You might be thinking, "Hey! There's no difference between volunteering your time to work for the government and volunteering your time to work for charity!" But you would be wrong. Dumbledore knows the difference, and so did Harry's parents, and so does Harry, so that's all that matters.

Cool Blast

Recently we've been having deodorant troubles. Andrew and I have apparently been smelling bad or something. Andrew says that it is because the deodorant has been too weak and I think it is just because we don't shower consistently enough. Anyway, apparently Mom decided to assume the best of her sons (always a mistake) and told Dad to buy us stronger deodorants. So now I smell like a Cool Blast and Andrew smells Fresh. Since Andrew will probably not accompany this with a lifestyle change (showering) it will probably not work. I intend to shower EVERY MORNING, ha. Starting tomorrow.

Bible Bee

Ah man, I still have made almost no progress on memorizing the verses for Bible Bee. The difficult thing about the Bible Bee vs the Spelling Bee is that if there is a word you haven't studied that shows up in the Spelling Bee, you can still get it by sounding it out and guessing. With the Bible Bee, that is impossible, unless you happen to be a pastor who knows "Hmmm. Romans 1-3 is about condemnation so Romans 3:23 should be something like 'For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.' hmmmm." Unfortunately, I'm not that good at guessing so I have to learn the verses the hard way.

Phantom Thief Duncan

As we all know, there is no building that Phantom Thief Duncan can't enter when he puts his mind to it. Yesterday, Coach Bart sent an e-mail saying "Fencing has been changed to the ARC." (Aquatic Recreation Center) Unfortunately, the ARC had held an opening ceremony that very evening and closed early. Fortunately, phantom thief Duncan was on the case and after futilely yanking on every door to the outside, found one that was unlocked that led to the boiler room. I wandered all over the ARC and finally concluded that the fencing club was NOT there. (Although they might have been in the pool, since I didn't find those either.)

When I got back from school, I opened my e-mail account and found an e-mail from Coach Bart that said "Sorry about the confusion. Apparently the ARC closed early. Fencing next Tuesday!"

Meaning that I began my life of crime, illegally entering a locked building, for no reason. Sheesh.

Proof

Given that you exist, prove your favorite color.

Today was my first day back to class. The only class that actually did more today than hand out the syllabus was physics, so today physics will be my main gripe. After syllabussing for the first few minutes and explaining us how to access our homework online, he gave this brief talk about the role of a scientist. Interestingly enough he said the role of the scientist wasn't to find out the truth but to explain things. He asked one girl to prove that she existed. That was entertaining. Anyway, I felt like asking him to prove that he existed so I would know I wasn't wasting my time in his class, but I decided to keep that to myself. But you know, it made me appreciate how moronic the comeback "Prove that God exists" is, because, according to my new physics teacher, you can't even prove that you exist.

Fictional Grief

Have you ever been watching a movie or reading a book and you start crying when a fictional character dies? Not like a random background character is murdered and the main character has to figure out whodunnit but an actual character like one of Harry Potter's father figures dies and you just begin to weep for the brevity of such a beautiful life. Well, why? It doesn't make much sense to mourn a fictional character. If you never lived, can you really die?

P.S. My brother Luke is the only person I've ever known to weep at the death of a nonfictional character in a book, The Life of Abraham Lincoln. (I won't spoil the ending for you, just in case you haven't read it.) Just saying.

Rude Awakening

Last night Lexie was planning all the meals for the next week. I was standing there making suggestions.

"And what will we have on Saturday?" Lexie asked.

"Hmmmmmmm. Saturday..." I said thinking. After all, I clean dinner on Saturday so I need to make sure it is something rather easy to clean.

"It's our big sendoff-to-college meal so it has to be special," Lexie said.

"Uh what? We go back to college on Monday," I said, slightly worried.

"This Monday?" Lexie asked.

"Yeah, four days from now," I said.

"Nyoron," Lexie moaned. I figure she had to re-plan all of the week's meals to take into account that she wouldn't be there.

Random Cuteness

So I was picking on Emily, poking her in the forehead. She was wearing a Shakespeare shirt that belongs to Grace so it goes to her knees.

"Stop!" She said, covering her forehead.

"Oh ho! Why don't you ask your money to save you!" I said, on David's suggestion. (He was sitting beside Emily doing his math.)

"Money doesn't save you. It only gets you out of jail, dummy."

I think Emily has been playing too much Monopoly or something. I can't think of any other reasonable explanation for her saying something so cute.

Satisfaction

We've been helping one of our neighbors clean her house and it has been going very well. It's very satisfying cleaning it because it is very messy. It's not so satisfying when Mom tells us to clean up our room and we find it to be perfectly satisfactory already.

"What have you guys been doing? It doesn't look any cleaner!" Mom would say coming in.

"Well, yeah. That's because it was already clean," I would think.

Our neighbors on the other hand keep cats, which like all animals make a disgusting mess of your house and don't really care. Mom's told us to pitch any clothes/bedsheets/shoes that the cats used as a litterbox because there would be no cleaning them. On the other hand, cleaning up after their disgusting mess leaves the house looking sparkly clean and a lot less cluttered. When I left I was satisfied to know that we had left their house cleaner than we had found it. (Of course it helps having a maniacally clean mother.)

Math Whiz

Today, Luke learned how to multiply by 11. First he had to write down every multiple of 11 down a list that said 11 x 1 = ____, 11 x 2 = ____, 11 x 3 = ____, etc. Then they asked him some review problems to see if he understood the material. Here is his answer sheet:

1. Look at the addition problems. Why is it easy to add 11?
Luke's Answer: 2+11=13

Duncan's Response: WHAT THE HECK!? What does the miraculous fact that 2+11=13 have to do with ANYTHING!?

2. Look at all the products. What pattern do you see in the first nine products?
Luke's Answer: 4

Duncan's Response: ... What can I say? I still don't understand why Luke put down 4 in the space where they wanted an answer to a short-answer question.

3. What do you think 11 x 0 is and why?
Luke's Answer: 0. Because easy.

Duncan's Response: ... migraine migraine migraine.

4. What do you think 11 x 13 is and why?
Luke's Answer: 124. Because hard.

Duncan's Response: Why is my brother a caveman? 124 isn't even the right answer.

Heather in Trouble

I bet you guys have all noticed the lack of enormous monsters ripping down buildings in the vicinity. That's right, and I doubt we ever will have enormous monsters attack here in Chattanooga. After all, big important monsters like Godzilla and King Kong attack cities that are civilization centers of the world whose countries have very developed special effects technologies like New York or Tokyo. You know what that means right? Heather, of course, is in grave danger. She is currently in Edinburgh meaning that if Scotland were to suddenly develop a booming special effects industry she would be at high risk for monster attacks! (Although the first couple of monsters to strike would probably be hand-puppets.) I am so envious.

P.S. Wouldn't it be cool to watch monsters terrorize Edinburgh, knocking down castles and stomping 16th-century pubs?

Disclaimer

David has been bothering me all day about the last post. First he whined for a while so I made him to do math, then he cried as he ate lunch, then he glared for the better part of the afternoon and then he yanked my sleeve during dinner and said, "Duncan, I have a great idea. How about you put up a disclaimer that says 'David did not actually swear yesterday.'"

So according to SOME people, mostly DAVID, David did not actually swear on the Sabbath, thus proving him guiltless in the sight of God. He has been redeemed, justified, sanctified, and vindicated and is now thoroughly absolved from any loose lipness real or imagined.

5+5 Summit!

Something weird happened last night while the Three Musketeers were eating ice cream. (That would be Duncan, Andrew, and David, for those who aren't familiar with McPherson Terminology.) Suddenly, Andrew, who had been staring at my shirt for some time which read "If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything. SUMMIT!", shouted "5+5! SUMMIT!"

"What?" I asked, figuring that Andrew was acting weird again.

"5+5!!" GRIIIN. "SUMMIT!"

It was like reading a convoluted dying message by a professor who is trying to tell you both the murderer's name and his method in one word.

"My God, Duncan, you are SO stupid!" said David, who might I point out, took the name of the Lord his God in vain on the sabbath, thus breaking two commandments in one sentence. Three if you count Jesus' spiel on to insult your brother is to murder him. And he probably wasn't exactly honoring his father and his mother either!

"What? What?" I said looking back and forth at their two demented grins.

"Everyone knows the answer to this question! It's ten!" David said.

"Huh?"

"5+5! Sum! It!" David said.

So, as you can see, it was just Andrew being weird again.

Super Metabolism

One day, Dad and his trusty friend Super Metabolism found themselves surrounded by an army of sweets.
"There must be a million of them," Dad said looking around in awe at the forces gathered against him.
"Just don't slow me down," said Super Metabolism, testing his metabolic ray gun with a few tentative squirts.
YAAAAH!!
"They just keep coming!" Dad yelled, chopping down two peppermint sticks with a swift stroke of his incisor.
"They've breached the wall!" Super Metabolism shouted, dousing two Snickers bars with hydrochloric acid.
"There's no end to them!"
"I can't take this much longer-AGH!"
After a few minutes nothing remained of the army but scattered wrappers and those oither candies (not spelled correctly) because those are gross.
"We did it, Super Metabolism!" Dad shouted triumphantly. No response. "Super Metabolism?" On the ground behind him lay Super Metabolism, an Oreo having clogged his heart. In only a few minutes he would undoubtedly die of heartburn.
"Heh, yes we did." Super Metabolism whispered right before he coughed up some blood.
"N-no! Super Metabolism! We made a promise! We promised we'd be skinny forever! Remember?" Dad cried, manly tears rolling down his face.
"Heh, can't believe I ate the whole thing."

And so a great hero died that day, a metabolism that knew no equal and kept Dad looking like the skeletons he used to hang in his closet, only healthier. He was replaced by Underpaid Worker Metabolism who is constantly on strike and doesn't help Dad much. The moral of the story is not to gloat in your fortune of having a Super Metabolism because it will probably disappear by the time you turn forty and you will have no friends. OK, I admit you will still have lots of friends, but your children will make fun of you.

Wake-up call

"Breakfast time, guys," said Andrew, slamming open the door.

"Alright, Alright. I'm up," I said, because all my brothers have a tendency to repeat themselves if they think I haven't heard them.

"Oh, not you Duncan. You can sleep," Andrew said. That made me pretty suspicious, but I shrugged if off thinking, if Mom gets mad at me I can always tell her that Andrew told me I could sleep in.

Twenty minutes later, Connor and Luke slammed open the door, clapping their hands with every step they took, and then staging an extremely loud pseudo-conversation. In between stomps on their faces, they managed to spit out that they had wanted to wake me up. (I had assumed as much FYI, and I'm just kidding about the stomping part, I just glowered at them.)

Now, I have no idea why Andrew wanted me to sleep and the kids wanted me awake, and why the kids thought it would be better to wake me in an obnoxious manner than just saying "Hey Duncan, it's time to get up." Even if they weren't sent by Mom to wake me up, they could say they were and I would be too tired to know the difference. So it was a very poorly executed plan.

P.S. Upon arriving downstairs Andrew said and I quote, "*gaaaasp* He Liiiiives!" These pieces are not falling into place.

Bible Bee

Well, now that's Shakespeare is over I can devote my entire time to memorizing scripture for the Bible bee. Of course, I calculated that to finish memorizing all the predetermined Bible verses in time for the Bee, I would have to memorize eight pages a day. Each page is roughly equivalent to 50 lines of Shakespeare. I thought memorizing Shakespeare was hard but it turns out my part only adds up to about three pages of Bible Bee, and I'm expected to memorize 85 pages. The Bible Bee is sponsored by some Institute which Mom has said is well-known for expecting too much from home-schoolers. I can't remember its name, but I'll get back to you on that. We'll be competing against the Broadwells and a bunch of as of yet unknown homeschoolers from this area. If I win, I could go straight to national where the winner gets an enormous pile of cash.

Unfortunately, I've been on the eight page a day diet for three days now and I've only memorized six pages total. Uh... My math sensors detect a discrepancy...

Misreads

My younger brother Luke is still in the area of life when he can't read every word in a sentence. Some of these mess-ups are entertaining like when he misread a verse in 1 Peter as "Cast your anxieties on him before he casts his anxieties on you." Or when he misread a sentence in his picture bible from "Jacob feared that Esau would attack his women and children" to "Jacob feared that Esau's women and children would attack him." Or when he misread "Jesse" as "Jesus." And I've come to find that "not" is the most underappreciated word in the English language. Only three letters long yet it is the most important word in every sentence. Leave it out and the sentence takes on a whole new meaning.

Age vs. Maturity

After Winter's Tale everyone was bouncing around their observations when someone brought up how loud and irritating the shepherds were in the green room. He had a point; the shepherds were boisterous and insubordinate all week and Alexie had registered multiple complaints with Mom saying that Baylor wouldn't appreciate it if we made a wreck of their building. (Which I personally agree with, since Baylor has been extremely generous in allowing us to use their building for free. Covenant made us pay $90 for the use of their stage and it was much smaller and didn't have a stage left exit, dressing rooms, a green room, or a backstage because it was usually used for lectures.)

Anyway, Mom suggested we put an age limit saying no one less than 13 can perform. It seemed wise because all the twelve year old shepherd were so rowdy that it would be impossible to imagine them actually saying a line on stage at the right time, let alone memorizing it. However I (being wise and statistical as only I can be) pointed out that Matthew M_______ was only twelve when he played Peter Quince and I doubt we could have had or ever will have a better Quince than Matthew gave us. The look of complete shock on Alexie's face as this realization sunk in was priceless. She was so disgusted (with the immature shepherds)/impressed (with Matthew)/shocked (that they could possible be the same age). Just goes to show that age is no measure of maturity.

Dr. Obama

So, I was chilling in the living room reading my completely biased Republican propaganda, the Limbaugh Letter, when Luke meandered in. I was reading an article called "Dr. Obama Strangelove," which was pretty insulting although I didn't see what it had to do with Dr. Strangelove. It was more like, "Obama is spending all our money and Nancy Pelosi is quoted as not caring." Anyways, Luke sidled up to me and stared over my shoulder for a minute.

"So," he said in a conversational tone, "I see that Obama has become a doctor."

What's for dinner?

So I was chilling at my computer and celebrating my new breakthrough, having discovered that I was multiplying my variable by -1 instead of 0, when Luke barged in and yelled "Hey everybody! It's time for dinner!"

"What's for dinner?" Connor asked, peeling himself away from his computer.

"Chips and salsa!" Luke said, his eyes alight.

"And cheese!" yelled Emily as she hopped in.

"With a side of Mexican Casserole, I presume?" I asked, since I am as sarcastic and unrelatable as Artemis Fowl.

"Exactly!" Luke said, bounding out again to go tell someone else the good news.

Jeans

Alright, yesterday I put on the 14-dollar jeans I bought several weeks ago with Dad for the first time. I've been wearing the 8-dollar jeans this entire time alternating with shorts since it is summer. Unfortunately the 8-dollar jeans don't fit despite being cheaper. They're too wide around the waist making me look like one of those moronic apathetic gangster-wanna-be college guys who wear their pants at their knees. OK, so they're not that loose, but it is true that I have to wear a belt whenever I wear the jeans. The 14-dollar jeans however fit like a dream. They're great.

Anyways, I calculated that the amount of ice cream I would have to consume to expand my waistline to fit into the eight-dollar jeans given my demonic metabolism would actually make the cost of the jeans higher than if I simply bought the 14-dollar jeans that actually fit.

Wow, I'm tired

The reason I haven't blogged at all in nearly a week is that I've been attending Shakespeare camp this week. The first performance is tonight, woo hoo. Of course, I always stumble home and then collapse somewhere where I commence to pant heavily as if I had just won a marathon. Since the performance is tonight there is no practice in the morning, so I can blog.

P.S. It doesn't seem to strike anyone else that the Twelfth Night cast will still be practicing when Winter's Tale comes to do the make-up for their performance.

2D vs. 3D

It seems that whenever I ask Andrew about a game I'm working on, he always has the same objection to it. I used to make all my programs in 2D because it is infinitely easier so Andrew would always complain "Why is it in 2D? It'd be so much more exciting in 3D" Recently I created a game for Luke, my brother, to teach him math facts and his chief complaint (besides his gripe that Luke wouldn't want to play an educational game so I was wasting my time) was "what's wrong with 2D?" Well, I don't know Andrew. You tell me.

Wisdom Teeth

Right now, my best friend Luke is probably somewhere in between the land of dreams and waking, so here are a couple of irrevelant and untrue facts to tell him so that when he comes back to his senses in a week or two he won't know what's true and what isn't. You must say it like so:

"Guess what, Luke! Duncan was elected UTC school body president!"

"Hey, Luke! It's Sunday!"


"Hey Luke, good morning!" (Said in evening)

"Guess what, Luke! Ariel decided to become an oral-maxillofascist surgeon!"

"Hey Luke, the McPhersons are expecting another baby! Isn't that great?" (lie, FYI)

"Hey Luke, Jacob won Spelunky!" (We all know that's impossible, but hey, Luke's on pretty strong drugs.)

"Hey Luke, got your books? Classes start tomorrow!"

"Sorry Luke, I broke your __________"

OK, guys, don't really, but it would be really funny. (for me. Not for you, Luke, or whoever would have to explain all this stuff to Luke.)

It's all in the angles

Today I'll be pushing for a drive to RUF tonight. One problem is that no one ever wants to drive me anywhere so you have to frame it in new terms. I'll play the religious card on this one, protesting that any excuse to attend a church event is a good one and it is beneficial for my spiritual self to attend this meeting. I just hope it works. Alexie probably won't be impressed, but if I singularly impress my mother, Alexie will have to drive me anyway.

Duncanology

Ta-da! Despite the fact that none of you want to know this much useless information about me, I decided to post it anyway! If you don't already know all this stuff, you're not missing anything. Read on at the expense of a large number of otherwise free-to-learn-interesting-facts-about-life-and-God brain cells.


Food-ology

What is your favorite salad dressing?

Cucumber Ranch. (What a random first question.)

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?

Ryan's, of course! Although, I don't often go there unless I do something really special like graduate from high school or defeat Lord Voldemort.


What food could you eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of it?
Ramen, because I often do eat ramen for 2 weeks straight and I'm still not sick of it.


What are your pizza toppings of choice?

Mmmmm, Papa John's Pepperoni Pizza is so good.


What do you like to put on your toast?

Peanut butter and honey. I have been doing so since time began.


TECHNOLOGY

How many televisions are in your house?

Two.

What color cell phone do you have?

Black, the color of despair.

What does the first text message in your in box say and who sent it?
I don't text. I don't think I even can text.

Who was the last person to call you?
Hello, the law requires us to tell you that this is a debt collection agency...


BIOLOGY

Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?

My wisdom teeth, I suppose.

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
A bunch of boxes of steak and other meats for Angel Food Ministries.

RANDOM-OLOGY

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?

Sure, why not? Information is power.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
If I HAD to change my name due to extenuating circumstances I'd change it to Logan Craft. It dances on the tongue quite nicely.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
Of course I would! Who WOULDN'T!?



DUMB-OLOGY



How many pairs of flip flops do you own?

Whenever Dad buys a new pair of flip-flops I wear it out to the mailbox to get the mail and then he can supposedly never wear them again because I ruined them or something. So he buys another new pair. I own about... Five and a half pairs.

When is the last time you had a run in with the cops?

When I drove through a store window.

Last person you talked to in person?

Dad, asking me whether I came into his room to talk to him or only check the computer.

Favorite Month(s)?

Fall. September-December



CURRENT-OLOGY

Missing someone?
Missing you. I ain't missing you. I ain't missing you at all. Missing you. Missing you. Missing you. No matter what my friends might say~!


Mood?
Braindead. I've been reading all day and that always does a number on me.


What are you listening to?
Someone setting the table for dinner.


Watching?
I'm on the computer, dolt-survey. I'm not watching anything.


Worrying about?
Andrew just frolicked into the room.


RANDOM-OLOGY



Last movie you saw?
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, OH YEH~!


Do you smile often?
Are you kidding? I can't stop! Not even if I just discovered that my fiancee is already cheating on me the night before the wedding!


Do you always answer your phone?
I never answer my phone.


It’s four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
Hello, the law requires us to inform you that this is a debt collection agency...


If you could change your eye color what would it be?
I take pride in my beautiful blue eyes.


Do you own a digital camera?
Yes. I haven't used it since last Random Fun, though.


Have you ever had a pet fish?
Yeah, Lexie won it at a carnival but it was dead before it got home.


Favorite Christmas song
Probably Garth Brooks' "Baby Jesus is Born."


What’s on your wish list for your birthday?
I already possess everything I could want.


Can you do pushups?
Yes, I can do approximately 50. (Yeh, it's lame.)


Can you do a chin up?
I can do approximately 5. (Yeh, it's lamer.)


Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
The future excites me. I can't wait for everything I'm preparing for to take effect.


What is the last song to make you cry?
I don't think any song has ever made me cry. The last time I felt sad while listening to a song was the "There Goes My Life" ending. Even though no one died.


Plans tonight?
RUF, BABY! I successfully got Mom to FORCE Lexie into driving me. (P.S. During the whole conversation, Heather refused to drive me because I was being "manic" and "manipulatory.")


Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Yes. I doubt I ever have though. Things could always have gotten worse.


Name three things you bought yesterday.
Pizza for lunch, a ticket to Half-Blood Prince, and uh... a second piece of pizza for lunch (I guess.)


Have you ever been given roses?
I've been given flowers but I can't tell the difference between one flower and the next. They might have been carnations because that's the state flower of Garth McPherson.


Do you have an accent?
Since I live in the South, you could say I have a "General" accent which means I sound like I come Northern Virginia. (or the Midwest.)


Current hate right now?
Being tired.


What were you doing at 12 AM last night?
Listening to bible verses in my sleep. I still can't recite any of them though.

Duncanism

Last week I was at art class every night, learning about American Artwork. So, after hearing it all I thought to myself, "This doesn't sound so hard."

See, to be an artist all I need is a camera and someone willing to be moved around so that they're sitting in a triangle-typish shape (usually more like two perpendicular lines, but hey, if it's art, it is a triangle.) So I'd find something flat like a table or whatever and then make them sit at it so it appears that their head is at the point of a triangle. (It doesn't matter where you put the head, because it will always make a triangle with the table, even if the triangle has to flatten out until a + b =c, which is by definition a line.)

I might also consider putting the camera on the floor to add some "gravitas" to my pictures. I now have new appreciation for those pictures that people take of themselves where they hold the camera at a bizarre upward angle so that they look really weird. They're just looking at themselves "from a new perspective."

And then I just need to put my model up against a blob of color to make some sort of "halo" around them. Doesn't sound so hard, although I can't imagine where I'd find a blob of color. Maybe I could just add a couple sails to our house...

Admittedly, I've never been to Paris, but so what? I can just say that I have rejected European models of thinking.

Life in general

Yawn, it's morning. Life goes on as usual. Mom is teaching, that's what she's always doing. Andrew is being taught, per usual. I can hear him reciting his Shakespeare part. Mom just called Lexie and reminded her to do class with Emily. Any second, she'll walk in and ask me where Luke is and whether he's finished with his math. Heather is still asleep, and she's probably still mad. I told her over and over that I didn't wipe snot on her bag, which is true, but she doesn't listen. (How's that for a weird statement. It's a long story so I won't bother boring you with it. Just be assured, I did not do anything so morbidly disgusting.) I think Luke is now asking Mom a question. That'll speed up the Mom-comes-looking-for-Duncan process. Looks like I've got to go. I can't put off teaching Luke any longer.

Dad, the King of Traffic Signs

For the past few days we have been in Washington D.C. travelling around to all the museums, as you all probably know if you have been reading my blog. The entire trip Dad would save his parking spot at the hotel we were staying at by putting a "No Parking. Violators will be towed." sign in front of his parking spot whenever we left to get groceries or see a museum or something. That's kind of weird. Who's going to enforce that? I have no doubt that our van is large enough to tow away a car, but ever since Dad drove through standing water, we haven't been able to drive uphill without the power conking out. How could we tow a car? Anyway, some guy from New York moved the sign and parked in Dad's special spot anyway. Dad was really upset. Stupid New York.

National Museum of American History

Today, we went to the National Museum of American History. Neat-o. It was the same group as yesterday. It strikes me as odd that none of the people in our group are our cousins/extended family despite the fact that we are on a family reunion. Weird. The most exciting thing that happened today was when I nearly missed getting onto the metro. What happened was that an enormous obnoxious school group flooded off the train at our exit. By the time they were all off, it was time for the train to leave. The rest of my family got on but the doors shut before I got on. Luckily, the doors opened back up and I hopped on. Phew. Too much excitement there.

National Gallery of Natural History

Yeah, we went there today. Heather, Lexie, Mom, David, and I went there at 10:00 today. At 1:00, the womenfolk left to see the National Gallery of Art, but David and I figured we hadn't had enough time to see everything so we skipped the National Gallery of Art. He he. Alright, so we got back today and one of our aunts asked what we had learned. Mom piped up, "We learned the difference between a brontosaurus and a wooly mammoth! Their teeth!" I wanted to add, "Yeah, and cause the brontosaurus is an enormous lizard with a really long neck and thick legs with scales while a wooly mammoth is an elephant with enormous tusks and thick fur." Instead I said, "No, Mom. That was the mastodon and the mammoth." As you can see, Mom never had the advantage of slamming plastic figures of dinosaurs against each other while saying "Raaa! Raaa!" like me.

Washington D.C.

I arrived in Washington D.C. a few hours ago. Ta-da! Here I am. One thing I learned quickly is that the entire thing is greatly democratized. Everything runs on clean energy and the democrat work ethic has permeated most walks of life. For example, we went to a pool where after 45 minutes of work, a life guard would take 15 minutes of break when no one could get in the pool. Dad had strong opinions on the issue.

Speaking of politics, I found out what class I'm taking next semester to fill up my last three hours. POLS at 5:30-8:00 on Tuesday. Andrew needs the computer now, so I'm scramming.

Something Odd

Alright so something odd happened this morning. First Emily walked into the room and shouted "Breakfast Time!" This isn't odd because Emily is often sent up to wake everyone up for breakfast. Andrew is sent more often because he's always awake before everyone else and is readily available for parent exploitation, but I digress. She then followed it up by saying "There are doughnuts!" This isn't odd either because you never know when there will be doughnuts because you never know when Dad will buy them because you never know when they will be on sale. So it's like, whatever. Then Grace barged in and shouted "There are no doughnuts nor is it breakfasttime!" This one took me a while to sort out. I finally figured from all the shouting that Grace and Emily were doing that Emily wanted to play Pokemon with the boys and Grace wanted to make sure we could all sleep by yelling at Emily. Yes, the kids have played a weird self-designed board game about Pokemon obsessively for a couple days now. Dad has even outlawed it. Now that's odd.

Anyways, Emily ran off crying to Mom who shouted up the stairs that it WAS breakfasttime and there WERE doughnuts. And it was true. The end.

Summer

I haven't done much with my spare time this summer. I've had plenty of family reunions and stuff but with all my spare time, I haven't done anything. I've read some books, played some games, and watched some movies from Netflix, but that's pretty much it. I haven't created anything, which makes me sad. I think from here on out I'm going to make some stuff. That'll be fun. I guess I'll work on Super Program and rejuvenate some projects that were left a long time ago. Projects, projects, which one shall I do first? Hmmmmm.

Hello? Testing, Testing, 1 2 3

I'm just a stupid blog post that was scheduled to post later than I was written. La la la la la.

Hey! I'm going to Psychotic Fun today! Yahoo! I don't know why it is called Psychotic Fun, though. I'll know when I get there.

Hm. I had a story about socks and Andrew saying something stupid, but I can't remember it now. So that blog post dies.

Uh-oh. School time with Luke. Got to go.

Luck of the Devil

When we were on the family reunion the powers that be decided that all the kids would make a movie. Heather wrote a script for it, which had such a lame premise that every boy in the cast quit. Heather quit right after that and told us to make our own movie. So it was down to Kaitlin, Anna, Grace, and Kathryn. They wrote a script for a murder mystery. It wasn't a murder mystery like Murder She Wrote or Hercule Poirot or anything. It was more like Nancy Drew or some little kid mystery book or something. The plot was really convoluted and stuff. Anyways, I played the dangerous psychopathic person who errantly believed he had murdered his sister because his aunt told him so.

By the way, parents, I know that if any of these girls actually discovered a dangerous psychopath had murdered his own sister, they wouldn't confront him about it. They would know to contact a reasonable adult.

Anyway, all the filming was done in the three hours before it was supposed to be shown to the parents. It was really rushed. In fact, they got home while we were still editing it. We needed to save it to a CD, which took 30 minutes but we needed to show the parents the movie. What did we do to keep them from taking their children home to bed since it was after 10:00?

Well, here's where the luck of the devil factors in. Grandad and Grandma had this brilliant idea to create a three-hour slideshow presentation chronicling Grandma's entire life through pictures. Some of those pictures could qualify as antiques. So while the entire family sat through a presentation that I had already seen twice, I was downstairs poking Andrew and trying to make him make the computer save faster. (Not really. That was a joke. I was just down there glaring at the computer screen as it saved sloooooooooooooooooowly.)

In the end it all worked out. I'm still waiting to see if I live happily ever after, though.

Door in the Wall

Halfway through the trip in NC, Andrew sent me an e-mail saying "Luke is very excited. He can't wait for you to get back to tell you that all the clothing in the boys' closet was moved around." Alright, I thought. That's pretty boring but I'll pretend to be excited when Luke attacks me when I get home.

So I got home. "Duncan! Duncan!" quoth Luke, "Guess what?"

"Ah, the clothes were moved around in the closet, weren't they?" said I, once again displaying my psychic powers.

"Yeah, and now there's a door there!" said Luke.

Well, Andrew later told me he didn't think that was an important detail. You know, having a door put into your house, being able to access attic space that you have never used before, stuff like that. Weird.


P.S. I scheduled four posts to appear while I was gone, but they didn't. I am so disgusted with these posts. I deleted all four of them.

Good Morning America!

It's five o clock right here and we're packing up to get out the door. On thing that bothers me is that it is a five and a half our drive and our cabin won't be open until one... That puts us three hours in the hole. Hm. Anyways, scheduling blog posts sounded so manly that I had to try it at least once so there might be something coming your way eventually, but warning: It'll have nothing to do with whatever I'm doing at the present time.

Off to the Mountains

Tomorrow morning I'm gone. I'm all packed and ready to zoom off! So, this is to say that I might not be able to make any blog posts for the next couple of days. I know I have said this many times in the past, and I know so far all such dire predictions have come to naught, yet I feel I am obligated to warn you that it might happen anyway.

P.S. The world might end tomorrow. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Summer of Forgotten Dreams

Today I woke up and realized I hadn't even started revamping Super Program yet. Darn. There were a lot of things I intended to do while I was here, but it seems that all of them have been forgotten. Mostly I've just been running around doing political stuff interspersed with break time wherein I read political books. I also read political magazines and watch political news. I am so politic'ed up! Yet, I haven't done anything that I wanted to do. For some reason, I'm not that upset about it either. I'll just take it on the chin and dedicate some empty day at home to it.

Shameless Plugs

This is actually a pretty bad time to be watching Fox News since both Beck and O'reilly have come out with new books and really enjoy talking about how well they are doing. Snooze. Go back to the Tiller Murder investigation and the ACORN money-embezzling scandal.

I've recently finished reading Glenn Beck's Common Sense. In it he makes the arguments that neither the Republican Party nor the Democratic Party stand for the American people anymore. He's calling for people to jump ship on both sides and become Independents who vote for people who run for neither party but do represent your values. What's really funny is that while all this is happening is that the Wake Republican Party is running a Turn-All-Independents-Into-Republicans Voter Registration Drive. So we're bumping into all these people who got it into their heads to jump ship and now we're dragging them back. Not working too well.

I appreciate Ann Coulter, who wrote Godless, saying when she was on Beck's show being interviewed about his book that Republicans aren't as bad as Democrats. They're moving towards Democrats but they're not as bad as they are yet. That's a distinction I'm glad she made since otherwise it makes me feel like a dummy working so hard to build up a party that everyone claims is going belly up and should go belly up.

Stars in My Eyes

Today I was daydreaming. Yes, I daydream. I was thinking to myself "Hm. If Obama enacts universal health care, what could I do? Well, it will chase doctors out of the markets, so I would be more secure in my job, and if it gets competitive, I'm sure I'm smart enough to survive. And if it turns into a who-you-know instead of what-you-know system, I'm so affable that I could certainly survive. In fact, I think I could thrive under this system if I stay on the cutting edge of teleradiology, and if I'm one of the few radiologists in America and stay cheap enough to compete with job exportations to countries that will soon be more free and capitalist than America, then I could live anywhere I want as all my business comes to me digitally. Anyway, if Rathke succeeds in globalizing ACORN then he could crash the entire global economy and I won't even have to worry about-"
"Hey," Grandma said, causing me to realize that I had just been talking to her. "Where are you?"
"In the future," I replied. Hey. Am I always this stupid or was I just half-asleep? That's a pretty poor response.
"Oh? And what are you thinking about?"
"Universal health care," I said, honestly.
"You were not," Grandma replied indignantly. I was slightly taken aback.
"No, that was honestly it."
"Well," Grandma said, "You don't have to tell me what you were thinking about." Then she gave me the look, so I knew what she was thinking. The only other time she uses that look is when she asks Heather about Douglas.
"No Grandma, that was really it."
"Well, I was just thinking, you had such a contented expression on your face, I figured you were thinking about having a wife and kids and a house." Seriously. I bet you often wonder what your grandparents think you are thinking. Now you know that you don't want to know.
So apparently, I get a dopey look on my face when I think about exploiting my country. Am I... stupid?

Lost Cause

Today I went to the pool with the W's, my cousins. I just found out today that I can't do a flip. Uncle Steve told me it was OK because he had never even tried to do a flip, let alone failed at one. I failed at a billion consecutively. I've been tucking and rolling and SMACK! YOW MY BACK HURTS LIKE THE DICKENS! all day long. Flipping only halfway isn't as bad as flipping 270 degrees. I don't know if the pain in my back is sunburn or the consequences of back flopping for two hours straight.

Watermelon That Hath Strayed from the Path of God

Grandma bought me another watermelon. (This is about the tenth one. Yummy.) Anyways, before I woke up Grandma cut it in half so she could feed it to me for breakfast. But then, ARGH! It turned out the inside was yellow. OH NO! So we tried to figure it out. Could it be too ripe? Not ripe enough? Rotten? Was it bearing no seeds when Jesus walked by it so he withered it? Whatever it was, we figured it wasn't good so Grandma returned it. When Grandma got her money from the clerk, the clerk said "Oh, yellow watermelon are bred that way. They're tastier than other watermelon."
"Yeah, right," said Grandma, figuring he was just another ignorant clerk working for Wal-Mart. The clerks at Wal-Mart never have any idea what anything is, costs, or does. It's crazy. Anyway Grandma went, got another watermelon, took it to another clerk, and asked if the clerk would cut it open to check whether it was pink or yellow inside.
"Tee-hee-hee," said the clerk. Judging from Grandma's impersonation, I figured this clerk was female, "I can tell you right now that this watermelon is red because it doesn't say 'Yellow Watermelon' on its tag."
Personally, I am glad I didn't find out what happened to the clerk afterwards. Grandma's story just ended there with "So. *rolls eyes*"

Plagueograph

Yeah, since Mrs. K. posted on disease in her family, I started thinking about whenever viruses hit our family. I could have left a comment, but it seemed to me to merit an entire blog post seeing as it has not much to do with the K's being sick. When McPhersons get sick, it typically does not spread to all of us. What happens is that one kid comes home with a sickness, say Andrew for example, and then the two kids on either side of him get sick, i.e. David and Duncan. Then one of the people on either side of them gets sick, i.e. Grace or Lexie. Then it stops. It just gets tired.
Common Cold Strain 1: How many more of these kids do I have to infect?
Common Cold Strain 2: Hah? You've only done half of them yet.
Common Cold Strain 1: What! You've got to be kidding me. Of all twenty-some strains of cold I had to get stuck with the Mormon family.
Alright, so we're not Mormon. But how are common colds supposed to know that? Anyways, after two links on the chain it exhausts itself and gives up the ghost. Victory once again for the McPherson family~!
Of course I have also mapped the three people who I notice getting sick a lot. These are the three people who typically start the ball rolling:
Heather-Goes to college, picks something up around finals week, infects everyone. Lexie and I have been going to college for a year now and so far we have not picked up anything. Heather typically picks up three diseases a semester (or more depending on how many tests she has coming.)
Grace-Goes to a friend's house, picks up some disease, comes back and infects everyone. In my opinion Grace should have less friends.
Andrew-Andrew gets sick, mopes around the house until I say "Andrew! Stop acting sick! Do your job!" And then I get sick. God has a "sick" sense of humor.

Common Sense, by Glenn Beck

There are two types of political books in this world: Those which motivate you and those which depress you. (Actually three, including those that are just boring, but I don't read those for too long.) Common Sense is the kind that depresses you. Glenn Beck's point, since he is a libertarian, is that the people who wasted their vote in the last Pennsylvania senate race aren't the people who voted third-party, but the people who voted for Arlen Specter and were stabbed in the back. He's got a point there, but it is a very depressing one. The last time Republicans tried a massive shift to a third party we elected Bill Clinton. Beck says that our government is insane for instating socialism because "insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result." Doesn't the same rule apply for swinging over to third parties though? It hasn't worked since before the Civil War. Why are we still trying?

Gotta learn em all!

Alright, I've finally learned all 150 of my lines, which is coincedentally the same number of pokemon, excluding the 300 add-ons. I swear I won't push for that many lines put back in. Heck. I won't ask for any of my lines back in. 150 is enough. So yeah. I've completed my Shakespearedex now and have learned all 150 lines. I'm the Shakespeare master now!

1+2=4

Grandad was really mad at Aunt Jennifer today for taking apart something he worked two hours to create just yesterday. He was explaining this to Grandma over dinner:
"And Paul (Jennifer's Husband) can't lift that all by himself! It took four people last time to lift it." Grandad said, consumed by a furious passion.
"Four people? I hope you weren't one of those four because your doctor said no heavy lifting," Grandma said.
"Oh, I wasn't," said Grandad off-handedly.
"Who was?" Grandma asked.
"Oh well, Duncan," Grandad said indicating me stuffing my face with meat and peppers and walnuts and all that good stuff, "And two women who were helping."
"Who was the fourth?" Grandma asked. That was some keen calculation there. I probably couldn't do that so fast as I was busy eating.
"Hm. Let me think," Grandad said.
There was quite a long pause as Grandad thought.
"Oh well, I guess that was me," Grandad said after much deliberation.

Foul!

Grandad came down to breakfast a few days ago and announced:
"I have proof that the Democrats used voter fraud to steal the last North Carolina election!"
Ta-da! This could totally get my Grandad an interview on one of the four major networks.
"So?" Grandma asked.
Grandad began to explain but Grandma cut him off: "I don't want to hear politics over breakfast."
Anyways, what happened was that the State Board of Elections counted all votes that didn't have identies attached to them, which is illegal. You can technically come in and say "My name is Duncan McPherson and I would like to vote." and they would count it BUT you have to leave an address behind that is valid. It turns out that none of these voters left addresses meaning every time you look at the State Board of Elections it has inserted a plethora of voters who "registered this year" who do not have addresses. That is like leaving a path of destruction and knocked down trees when the main characters are all wondering: "Hm? Do you think there's a monster running around these woods?" Foul! These people should be thrown in prison! Grandad has sent this information to his elected official. Hopefully something will be done.

Propogandization

Today I babysat for the Robinsons. I took care of Anna, Bryce, and Meredith. So as I sat around the table with them irresponsibly letting them eat junk food, Bryce piped up, "Hey Duncan? You know what would be cool?"
"What?" said I.
"If all the trucks were destroyed and made into trucks that didn't pollute," said Bryce.
"What!?" I exclaimed, "Where did you hear this?"
"I just think this," said Bryce.
"Was this your teacher's idea?" I asked.
"Yes," said Bryce.
Hmmmmm. Right there I felt like taking Bryce aside and explaining that the amount of coal burning necessary to generate the electricity for a truck produces more pollution that burning gasoline. Instead, I just played Pretty Pretty Princess with Meredith.

Redshirt

Ever feel like you are part of an evil organization? Well, I'm not really part of an evil organization per se, but I am part of an organization. I'm part of the Republican Party. Yes, it sounds like it couldn't possibly be an evil organization or even analogous to an evil organization, but that is where you would be wrong.

At the bottom you have redshirts, consisting of me, young republicans, republican college clubs, enthusiastic houswives, unenthusiastic bachelors, etc. We are all organized into jobs like "Block Captain," "Poll Observer," "Caller," and "Driver." Think Level 1 monsters that hang around your village and infest dungeons. Just dudes.

Overseeing us is a Precinct Chairman. He bosses us around. My Grandad is a Precinct Chairman. They all reign over a precinct and are in charge of all the redshirts in that area. Think tough battles that aren't actually dungeon bosses. They're just tough.

Then there are District Chairmen. The boss around all the precinct chairmen who rule over precincts in their district. These guys are the dungeon bosses. Don't mess with them unless you want another heart shard.

Then there are the County Chairmen. I'll let you guess what they do, but it's pretty easy to figure out. (Answer: They boss around all the district chairmen in their county. Sensing a pattern yet?) These guys are the big cahunas in their counties. We're talking "I'm guarding one of the four elements that you need to imbue with your sword. Get lost or feel the wrath of my vulnerable eye and rythmic attacks."

Then there is the North Carolina Executive Committee. Alright, so evil councils aren't typical of video games. Blah. These guys only listen to the North Carolina Chairman, Tom Fetzer, who answers to no one. This guy is like Gannon. The big boss. Don't mess around with him, PERIOD. When you get to this part of the game, stop playing. Start a new game and save over your old one. Give it up. You'll never win unless Andrew looks up his weakness online and tells you.

Teeny Bopper

My darling eleven-year-old cousin and I went to see High School Musical 2. All my adult relatives were acting like I was doing them a tremendous favor or something, but I really enjoy going to theatrical productions. Even teeny bopper ones. In HSM2, Sharpay, the mean girl from last time who reformed in the end became evil again. Darn. What bum luck. What was kind of neat was that Sharpay's goony brother, Ryan, who was my favorite character, played a really big important role in the sequel. In the first one he just followed Sharpay around stroking her ego, calming her down, and apologizing to the good guys. I liked him 'cos he was such a minion. He was the background singer personified. (P.S. Without background singers, the world would be a hollow and boring place.) When Sharpay kicked him out of his part for the talent show, "The Frollicking Fish Prince," (LOL) I felt really bad for him. And his song "Batter Batter Swing" is so insanely catchy. That thing he does with his arms is amazing.

By the way, what was singularly unattractive in the sequel was how the main guy's friends treated him. The guy, Jason, missed his team's baseball game even though he was the captain to practice dancing with Sharpay. So his friends completely refused to talk to him for the entire second act finally culminating in his apology. I'd just like to apologize for all the times I've been a jerk and thank all my friends for not treating me like dirt until I apologized. You guys are the best friends in the world.

P.S. Someone needs to tell Gabrielle to stop giving Sharpay long boring lectures about how she treats her friends. The only difference between Gabrielle and Sharpay is that Gabrielle's friends enjoy goonishly worshipping her and Sharpay's friends only goonishly worship her because she's rich.

Descriptive Statistics

Alright, I'm a work in progress, I'm going to get better. Anyways, I finally figured out how to put reactions on the bottom of my posts. Now you can check to tell me whether my post was overall negative or overall positive. I'll work on my social acceptibility skills until I have it all down pat. So if this post makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, check positive. If it hurts your feelings or makes you think "Oh what a tactless and cruel jerk this guy must be" check negative. Then, I can create datasheets, charts, blah blah blah mapping my progress/stagnation/decline into pure evil. So help me out! Get active! Sanctification and all that jazz!

GOP Convention

You know what would be really great? If the GOP convention was as bad as it got. Here we have the same back and forth arguing you have in politics everywhere, but it is all how to do right, instead of whether to do right. Wouldn't it be great if instead of socialism vs. capitalism, we only fought about fair tax vs. flat tax, both of which are good ideas? Wouldn't it be swell if everyone wore "Marriage: One Man-One Woman" stickers with no one in the opposition? Alas.

The Drudge Report

Hey-ho. Helping with politics here in NC. Right now we're gunning up for a Republican Convention. Well, as I discovered a lot of Political Grassroots Work is packaging. Take one CD, one business card, two voter registration forms, clip them together, put them in the package. I have serious skills, man. In about ten seconds I get into the zone. Take-take-tape-clip-stuff. Take-take-tape-clip-stuff. Take-take-tape-clip-stuff. I can go all day. It only takes about an hour to make 100 packages.

Finished probably

Grandad assigned me to write a speech for a motivational tape that he'll show at neighborhood Republican barbecues to get people to sign up to volunteer. It sounds really important, right? Right. If I did this wrong nobody would sign up to help Grandad and then Grandma will continue to be given the full brunt of Grandad's volunteerism. So this was important. Anyway, essays/speeches are not my cup of tea. I am criminally bad at writing. I ought to get a life sentence for the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue. In the end, my speech looked more like a motivational book report for Liberty and Tyranny. (Which was the book my Grandad wanted me to base my speech off of.)

By the way, Liberty and Tyranny is your typical bestseller: Really good stuff, really boring read. Levin, the guy who wrote it, runs a really good radio show. I think he for some reason assumed that unlike radio, books are not for entertainment. So the book is singularly unentertaining but it's really good heady stuff. P.S. Dr. McClay was quoted in it. That's how intellectual it was.

Back onto the subject of the speech. Now I'm just hoping my Grandad doesn't take one look at it and tell me to rewrite it. That would be devestating.

Eugenics

Eugenics is "the study of, or belief in, the possibility of improving the qualities of the human species or a human population by such means as discouraging reproduction by persons having genetic defects or presumed to have inheritable undesirable traits (negative eugenics) or encouraging reproduction by persons presumed to have inheritable desirable traits (positive eugenics)."

Yep, there's the Holocaust in a nutshell. Haeckel, from my previous post, was a eugenicist. Why is the guy even remembered? Besides his hack drawings of embryos, and later human skulls showing the evolution from monkey to human with an African skull being in the middle (The drawings were fake. African skulls actually look like European skulls.) His most famous experiment was his (failed) attempt to interbreed Africans and chimps.

The only reason he even performed his disgusting experiment was because everyone knew that Africans were humans and he (being a douche) wanted to prove otherwise! Everything Haeckel did was not only fraudulent, but only aimed to cheapen human life. This guy sucks. Hard.

Perpetuated Falsehoods III, Haeckel Strikes Back

Alright, here it is. The final in this exciting trilogy.

3) Haeckel's drawings are baloney.

A relatively obscure but well respected eugenicist named Haeckel (whose other major contribution to science was the assertion that Africans were the ladder rung in between humans and animals) drew a series of pictures of embryos of varying species (human, frog, other vertebrates). He said that since they all looked the same, this proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that all vertebrates evolved from one another. As you can see, it is a completely illogical assertion. They all look the same, so what? They're blastulas for crying out loud! They are balls of tissue and balls are all typically round. So what if they look the same?
But wait, it gets better. The drawings were FAKE!!! Human embryos do NOT look like frog embryos! True, they bear slight resemblances including being made of tissue, but their shapes and forms are different. Turns out Haeckel made a woodcut of one embryo and then made several drawings of one woodcut.
Nevertheless, I am still told in Biology class that during the first trimester you can't tell what the embryo is going to grow into. If you are told this immediately interject "Um, that's a lie." I was told this same "tidbit" by three different Biology professors. The fact that I didn't know it was a lie until today makes me sick to my stomach. The fact that it is still being taught in school makes me sicker. Especially since it is often used to devalue human embryo life. OH YOU MISERABLE AND DESPICABLE PEOPLE! YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES!!